On A Clear Day In San Francisco U Can See Forever

Holidays and Laziness (in Writing) Make For Very Long Periods In Between Posts

2009-07-03T16:02:00.000-07:00

No excuses anymore! This isn't funny! At the very least I should have posted all the pages that I wrote in my travel diary that I took on my recent vacations to New York and Hawaii. (Note to self: figure out how to add the pdf images to this site).

Interesting things I've seen in the last few weeks:

Sea Turtles!
30 Rockefeller Bldg. ( I kept hoping for Tina Fey, Tracy Morgan and Alec Baldwin to walk out randomly.)
Two Waterfalls. (Tamar, Jim and I umped off of the rocks near one.)
A Small Superman sign glowing in a 7th floor window as the only confirmed indication that those were in fact DC Comics' corporate offices.
A bulldog making his great escape from his poor owner who turned into a track star in order to get said bulldog back.
Adults rolling around stage in fish costumes and wheelies singing 'Under The Sea' (Surreal!).
Conga line at a wedding!
The Winnie The Pooh toys of the real Christopher Robin.
Samoan man spinning and tossing a massive stick of fire.
Schools of tropical fish. (Think Finding Nemo but waaayyyy better!)
Lauren Graham singing in scantily-clad lingerie.
Black squirrel!!!! ( I haven't seen one in about 9 years or so!)
Drum circle. (Sarah and I walked into an ongoing session with about a dozen interchanging players. The beat went on and on and on.....)
Aquamarine seas and cobalt blue drop off points.
Hundreds of people crossing the street whilst cars were coming toward them and the 'Do Not Walk' sign was in amber glowing.
No crazy incidents on the subways.
Queens in the pouring rain.
Dunkin Donuts on every other corner.
A box of 3 lbs of flower petals. Said petals strewn all over a honeymoon suite.
Antique luggage of immigrants past on Ellis Island.
A bldg devoted to pineapple memorabilia at the Dole Plantation.
Tiny lizards and escaping crabs on pumice stone rocks.
Another beautiful sunset at Paradise Cove Resort on the west side of Oahu.
Pam and Jeremy lighting their Unity candle at their wedding!

I know there was even more stuff but these are the things that stood out most in my mind.

Comic-Con is in less than three weeks so I'll have more to post then! I promise!

P.S. Dear God, please let there be a True Blood panel! And let Alexander Skarsgard be in attendance! Eric Northman in HOT!!!

The Not-So-Impossible Dream/Doing Things For Yourself

2009-03-22T16:16:00.000-07:00

For a long time now I've sought out inspiring articles written by people who encourage others to live their lives better; to be loyal to their essence. I do this not because I seek to change who I am. I believe that the core of who I am cannot be changed no matter how hard I try. I think this is 95% true of all human beings. A person can, over time and with hard work, change their habits but they cannot change their intrinsic nature. For better or for worse.

I recognize patterns in my life that have pushed me to become the adult that I am today. But there are lifestyle changes that I am in the process of making to become a happier, healthier me.

Several weeks ago I was wandering around HuffingtonPost.com and I found the Living section of the site. I read through numerous posts and liked what I found. I now check the Living section several times a day. For me it is calming to find so many viewpoints and suggestions on how to live a life that matters to you.

I love that so many blog authors pointed out that the way for you to best serve your fellow human beings is to take care of yourself first by making yourself as healthy (emotionally, physically and spiritually) as possible. Not narcissism but selfishness to a small degree.

One columnist that I like a lot is Judith Rich. She regularly posts on HuffPo. Last month she started posting a series in the key of 'The Impossible Dream'.

What she proposed is this: Although the economy is muddled and in duress, there has never been a better time to follow your dreams. The economy cannot be sustained long term by workers who make themselves drones, shuffling in out of work they hate or are uninspired to do. We each have a gift that we can contribute to this world. The best way to do that is to follow through with a dream that you had hereto thought impossible to bring to reality. Ms. Rich urges her readers to start creating a visual aid (collage, prayer place, etc) to encourage them to lay the groundwork to get started making your 'impossible' dream possible. She doesn't advocate rash decisions. She is merely pointing out that too many people end up leading lives they despise because they either couldn't or wouldn't go against the grain (or others' opinions) to accomplish their goals. It doesn't matter if your dream seems silly to others. It is your dream and yours alone and she encourages everyone to get started bringing it to fruition.

Here are links to Part 1-4:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-judith-rich/what-would-you-do-if-you_b_166896.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-judith-rich/living-the-impossible-dre_b_170934.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-judith-rich/what-makes-a-life-worth-l_b_172054.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-judith-rich/follow-your-bliss-the-hol_b_174538.html

These posts have made me feel more at ease and encouraged about seeing my impossible dream come true. Here is my impossible dream: I want to travel more. More specifically, I want to spend at least a couple of years traveling the world to certain locations and engage in activities that I've always longed to do. I want to use these experiences to write and complete an epic novel. I also want to have these experiences for personal growth and great memories.

Here are just a few things that I will pick and choose to do in my travel plan. I want to work on a horse or cattle ranch near Yellowstone National Park. I want to spend time exploring the music of Cuba, Puerto Rico and Brazil. I want to see the desserts and the glaciers of Chile. I want to spend time in Italy eating delicious food and speaking Italian. I want to work on an animal/nature preserve in Tanzania, Kenya or Botswanna. I want to see St. Petersburg and Mongolia I want to travel to Northern India to visit the Dalai Lama's residence, backpack around the country and party in Goa for a week. After this I want to make my way to either Australia, Canada, England, Ireland New Zealand with a work visa for a year.

When and if I get back to the United States I want to live somewhere new. Somewhere where there are lots of trees, blue sky and a slower pace of life. I want to be content where I live.

To make this a reality I know it will require a lot of sacrifices on my part. It will take about two years to make it happen. I will either have to forgo going back to school for a couple of years or take a leave of absence mid-program and complete it upon my return. I will have to get a part-time job on top of my regular job to save money for both the trip and my student loans while I'm gone. I will have to arrange my schedule so that I'm not exhausted all the time or can't work out regularly. This will require me to limit time with my friends and cut vacations short. I have to get my driver's license. I may have to give up cable. What, no True Blood, Rescue Me or Entourage? The horror!

But I know that ultimately, none of these are real deterrents. I will gladly make these sacrifices if it means that I will be making the transition to be a happier healthy person. I'm tired of hating the world and resenting the cards I've been dealt in life. I wouldn't be who I am today without these experiences. I wouldn't have the courage to recognize and act on what I really want to do with my life. I'm ready to change directions and live my best life!

I want to feel free dammit! Kris Kristofferson said it best: "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose". I don't fear the future. I don't fear losing or giving up things. I know that regardless off what happens to me, I'll be ok!

I didn't think this day would ever come.....

2009-01-19T22:11:00.000-08:00

As I laid my head down to sleep last night, as my breath grew shallow and my eyelashes batted themselves into stargazing dreams, I knew I'd sleep peacefully tonight because of one thing and one thing only.

In a few short minutes Mr. George 'Numnuts, Stra-teg-ery, Mission Accomplished, Heckuva Job Brownie, Waterboarding Is Not Torture' Bush will no longer be President of the United States of America. Mr. Bush will have to turn in his keys to the White House and will no longer play the role of 'The Decider' for any domestic or international incidents.

And we will all be better for it. These past 8 years represent a failure in every level of government that was hereforeto unimaginable. Did anyone ever think we would ever live to see a Presidency that surpassed Nixon's in the scope of pure criminality?

And the mistakes can be measured! In body count (over 4,000 American soldiers dead, est. over 1 million Iraqis dead, Katrina; let's not even get into the amount of civilians killed in the mountains and tribal lands of Afghanistan). In civil rights and legislation (suspension of habeas corpus, extraordinary rendition and detention, warantless wiretapping, abstinence-only sex education, ). In public policy ("There's no such thing as global warming", trying to veto a children's healthcare bill, massive EPA and NOAA inaction and political ). In judicial and executive appointments (Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleezza Rice, John Bolton, John Roberts; the list goes on). The list of what George W. Bush has failed to do or has completely wrecked goes on and on and on.....

Need another mistake of Bush's? CHENEY! This may be his smallest trespass but it warrants mention: How do you shoot someone in the face and get away with it? Not only that, the person you shot apologized to you for getting shot in the first place!

I'm going to leave it to my man Jon Stewart to describe just how delusional and sad our departing president is when he looks back on the 'work' he's done over the last eight years (including all his 77 (that's right, 77!!!!) vacations):

http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=215905&title=six-days-seven-nights

I could go on all day but I don't need to. History won't be the only one who judges George W. Bush. Every living person on this planet will! Good riddance and so long sucker!

Obama! Obama! Obama! Yes! Yes! Yes!

2008-11-05T17:18:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it! I don't even really have the words to describe how powerful it felt to know that my own country, a country I had been so disgusted/disappointed/not proud of for so many years, had a majority of its citizens stand up and vote Barack Obama into the 44th President of the United States! It was proud night and I cried seeing all the images of people in this country and all over the world exploding with cheers and joy because the day had finally come when Americans did the right thing! Bravo and love to everyone who campaigned for both candidates, (yes, even for John McCain), reported and blogged about this two year race to the White House, and for all those who went to the polls yesterday and voted! I've never been prouder! So for today, let everyone bask in the glory of this monumental election and the promise of Obama's presidency. But when we wake up tomorrow, I hope everyone understands that it's time to roll up our sleeves again and get cracking with executing of plans and ideas because we've got a lot of work to do to correct the wrongs of the last eight years (even if it takes the next few decades to do that)!

Go Obama! You deserve it!

P.S. Even though I'm happy about the results of the presidential race last night, I am deeply disappointed that half of the registered voters in California chose to pass Prop. 8, chose to discriminate against LGBT individuals and their right to marry whomever they please, whenever they choose. But I'm not discouraged because it means that those of us who support civil rights for all will have to fight that much harder to make civil rights, including the right to marry, secure for everyone! Don't give up!

I think I have OCD when it comes to cleaning...

2008-09-28T00:28:00.000-07:00

This might sound kinda sick... but there may be nothing better in this world than the joy that comes from having a clean home! I spent the entire day washing dishes in the kitchen, scrubbing counters, mopping floors, scrubbing the bathtub, vacuuming the floors and tiding up my bedroom.... it was EXHILARATING. It calmed me down and I was able to focus on just relaxing tonight. Watched some chick flicks and everything feels right with the world! Ahhhhhhhh!!!

Highlight of cleaning: Balancing on the edge of the bathtub while installing a new shower curtain with Creedence Clearwater Revival playing in background.

I will sleep peacefully tonight. Tomorrow I'm volunteering at the Folsom Street Fair so I'll have a full report of all the leather and ass-less chaps I see tomorrow!

Current Obsessions

2008-09-13T22:18:00.000-07:00

Entertainment Weekly posts a weekly 'Must' list of tv shows, music and cultural events that they think people should check out. Here are some of my favorites from the past couple of months:

True Blood (HBO) - I have to admit, I've always been a sucker for all things VAMPIRE (well, except for the actual biting and draining of blood)! Buffy and Angel have been off the air for years and Moonlight was recently canceled (By those bastards at CBS!), so the past few months have been devoid of the living dead on my screen. I loved Alan Ball's last series, Six Feet Under. (Think I'm a bit morbid much?). And I was not disappointed by this show's premiere on Sunday. In a nutshell? FUNNY! Sookie Stackhouse and co. (particularly Tara, Lafayette and Arlene!) kept me thoroughly entertained. Mixed in with enough scares and romance to leave me twitching for the next episode. Sundays at 9pm Folks!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vd5E-pHzXGI

P.S. I know everyone's gaga over the Twilight series but I'll watch the movie first!

Soon I Will Be Invincible by Austin Grossman - Seriously, what the hell happened to CoreFire!? Imagine a graphic novel/comic book but without any pictures. Well developed superheroes with their flaws (and technological organs) laid out in detail; Mr. Grossman's world is so fleshed out, pictures aren't needed. Proof that imagination is a terrible thing to waste!

Becoming Jane - I never new much about Jane Austen's life other than the usual biography. Although this film is a interprative portrait of the going-ons that lead her to write several of the world's most beloved novels, it struck a chord with me. A version of life imitating art. Although I think James MacAvoy is more handsome in person than in a book!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BD6sN3rP0Q8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9AqpwsclfI

Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurty- I remember watching the miniseries as a child and being captivated by a time in history that has long since passed. But reading the main book in Larry McMurty's Lonesome Dove Saga reminded me why some novels have the ability to capture the spirit of the Old West and make it resonate today. A book worthy of its Pulitzer!

Chocolate Chip Cookies - Sometimes you just need a dozen cookies to put you right again ;)

Alternet.org - I get several newsletter from this site a day (Health and Wellness, War in Iraq, Media Headlines, Water and Environment) and I am never at a loss for new things to learn. Intellectually stimulating journalism that's extremely honest to boot! Why can't the national daily (hello, NYT and San Francisco Chronicle!) newspapers learn from their example?

NIN LIVE - I just saw Mr. Reznor and co.'s "Lights in the Sky" show last week in Oakland and it will permanently remain in my top five shows ever (well, at least until their next tour!)! I'd been waiting my whole life to see them live and I wasn't disappointed! The lights, the video screens were absolutely PHENOMENAL!!! Fuck CGI! Lucasfilm could learn a thing or to about showmanship from Nine Inch Nails! Nothing I love more than to hear thousands of people singing on key, "Bow down before the one you serve. You're going to get what you deserve"! Here is a compilation of the visual effects during the show:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwV5cWLFM9U

Hugh Jackman singing 'Oh What A Beautiful Morning' from the musical 'Oklahoma' - Oh what a beautiful morning indeed when I get the chance to hear Wolverine belt it out Broadway style! Lately, if I'm in a bad mood, all I have to do is hum this tune and I want to climb on top of a windmill and sing to the heavens.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KyaAZKwYXxg

March by Geraldine Brooks - I seem to be on a kick with historical novels but this one warrants attention. (It won the 2006 Pulitzer Prize). I finally got around to reading this study of a fictional character that is the father of another fictional character in a book that is high school required reading: Josephine March of Louisa May Alcott's 'Little Women'. This novel follows Mr. March through his perilous journeys as a Yankee chaplain in the American Civil War. Mainly its about the things left unsaid between loved ones, even those so dear to our hearts.

I hope you all enjoy this list! Take some time to check some of this stuff out, hopefully all of it! Special thanks to youtube.com for all the clips!

Jesus, I haven't posted in a long time!

2008-07-20T14:23:00.000-07:00

Haha! I was posting on my friend Kathryn's page, when I decided to check my own. 6 months is a long time to not detail my musings on life or random encounters. (Especially since everyday I encounter a scenario that leaves me in either a state of giggles or a state of befuddlement). The pressure of it all, my desire to be minutely detailed and project novel gravitas... oh fuck it.

No amount of big words is going to change the fact that I lack discipline when it comes to posting. Don't get me wrong. I write everyday. But I spend so much time brooding on a certain state of affairs that I convince myself that my blogging is a trifle best left un-indulged?

I have a reoccurring debate in my head. Its fierceness mirrors my moods:

In the back of my mind, I always ask aren't brilliant people supposed to be tortured? Hasn't their inability to rise from the depths of despair given the world great art forms over the recent millennium? Isn't the realization that one will never be satisfied, enough to make one stop bullshitting and convey to the masses the truth of human emotion, no matter how dark a place the artist had to go to in order to create their masterpiece?

The front of my brain counterattacks. It questions whether great sadness is simply too easy from which to drawn inspiration? It ponders if optimism is a road better traveled but if it too is a road rife with potholes?Why Sunshine and Inspiration do not give their gifts freely? Are the pursuits of these rare gifts a tacit agreement that when an artist is finally rewarded with them, the greater affect of the final art product will be the universality that will allow the artist to connect with audiences living or yet to be born?

Again, I digress! Anyways, my problem is my lack of discipline. And my persistent thinking that only life-changing events are worthy of chronicling. Yes, they are worthy. But it is the in-between written observations that fill in the sides of the turkey platter we call 'life' and make for a better meal/story.

Oh wait! What was I gonna write about? I've forgotten in my 'musings'. But I will begin again tomorrow with any trifle that warrants my attention to blog about! Happy trails!

Attack of the Pea Coats

2008-01-28T18:45:00.000-08:00

Over the years I have put valuable input into avoiding Fashion Trends. There is an expression that goes "Everything old is new again". Never a truer word spoken if anyone takes the time to walk into stores such as H&M or even Neiman Marcus. I laughed; giggled; cajooled and pointed at all the fashions that have been 'in' in the past year. EVERYTHING, down to the chunky jewelry, looks exactly like all the clothes from the late 60s, 70s and the whole 80s that my parents finally packed off to our local Goodwill store just before the Millennium.

To see all of my childhood memories adorned on the bodies of women with self-induced eating disorders....I was rather hoping that since so many of these women were making the effort to dress as their mothers and grandmothers did in previous decades, they would now also be as politically aware as their relatives were during the periods of strife that those styles were created in.

That's probably asking way too much of my generation.

I've been digressing. The whole point of this post was to write about a disturbing fashion trend that I realized this week has permeated every corner of this city.

I'm speaking of Pea Coats. Every women or girl has one! I'm not kidding! I even made the mistake of buying one at this thrift store in burbank last month. (In my defense, I got it for 20 dollars when it was originally priced at 80 dollars!) Now I'm wondering to myself, "What the hell was I thinking?!!!"

I moment of observation came almost two weeks ago on my way to work. I was seated on the darling MUNI bus and I noticed that I was sitting across from three different women wearing pea coats in various shades. (To top it off they also had the same type of silk scarf knotted around their necks in the same style). I probably cocked my head while staring at them in the manner of 'WTF?'.

I remember turning my gaze to my right and seeing a number of other women on the bus wearing pea coats as well. (The latest trend in pea coats is to wear them in bright colors such as nuclear green and scarlet fever red). The ride ended in thirty minutes, so I was occupied the whole ride with one thought: Who else is wearing one of them?

The answer came quickly during my trapeze through the streets on the way to work. Every other woman was wearing a pea coat!!! Well fuck it! I'm sure as hell not going to wear mine now!

The more I thought about the prevalence among women in this city for wearing this particular type of coat, the more I tried to create a spiderweb of information that would lead a college-educated female towards the center of the web (which is where the pea coat resides).

After a few minutes I realized that there was no need to create a spiderweb of information to deduce why pea coats are so popular. The answer I sought was simple: It is a 'professional'-looking coat.

The pea coat has become, in my opinion, another accessory to round out the corporate drone outfit from hell. And although I have become a corporate whore to stay fed and housed, I refuse, REFUSE, to give in any further and dress like the drones that want me to join their blackberry toting, gold card member carrying, sharper image ordering, Tumi luggage buying circle of hell!

So until the day that the have to kiss corporate ass entirely, I will sit bundled up in my old ass black dye fading bubble coat. I may be tacky but with my soul is intact!

R,I,P, A VERY SAD DAY INDEED

2007-12-27T12:35:00.000-08:00

I woke up to the terrible, terrible news that Benazir Bhutto, former Prime Minister of Pakistan, who had recently returned to her homeland following years of exile, was assassinated today at a political rally. The killer than blew himself up and killed an additional 22 PEOPLE. 23 unwarranted, wasteful deaths

She along with current President Pervez Musharraf were due to participate in government elections on January 8th, 2008. I am extremely concerned about what this means for the people of Pakistan and the country's future.

My condolences go out to the families, friends and admirers of Ms. Bhutto and those 22 PEOPLE who died today. May they all rest in peace. May this wonderful lady rest in peace as well.

Grin and Fake It

2007-12-27T00:11:00.000-08:00

Its past midnight, the day after the day after Christmas (Dec. 27) and I am (what's a good word to use here? Plagued, Obsessed? Indaunted? Yeah, I'm indaunted by an idea my friend suggested to me on how to cope with life: that one has the ability to trick oneself into believing something, particularly, that you can trick yourself into thinking that you are happy.

I tried her suggestion several times but came to a brutal conclusion: tricking oneself into believing something is the same thing as lying to oneself. I see it as concealing the truth in order to function within a world that asks not what you can do for yourself, but how well you can keeps others happy. I see it as a resistance to address a problem that readily rises to the surface whenever you least expect it to.

I cannot trick myself into doing anything that I don't want to do. Not even for the sake of letting others off the hook from having to address that life is not all smiles and good times. I find it exhausting trying to pretend that things are well when they are clearly not. I guess this makes me a killjoy but feel that I have earned the right to not display the emotions I need to express. Its not selfish. The selfish thing would be to pretend that I am fine until someone gets a call at 3am saying that my suicide attempt failed.

On a side note: I guess the reason I'm bringing up the topic of suicide is because for the last number of months I've had a stronger desire to off myself than I've had since I was a teenager. I'm anxiety-ridden and miserable all the time. And I blame the medication that I'm taking.

I've made the personal decision to stop taking it. I realize that I might always be depressed to a degree because it is apart of my psyche. There's nothing wrong with me for admitting that I have a lot of issues to work through. But I strongly feel that I've run my course with my medication.

So farewell, Celexa. We had a good run and I hope that you can help others through a rough time that you helped me through earlier this year. I sincerely hope that you will be the last anti-depressant I will take over my very long life. Take care.

And with that, the New Year begins.

finding my voice

2007-11-16T00:07:00.000-08:00

I read over my earlier posts and I am struck by how simple the writing is to me.

No. Not simple but basic. Basic sentences. Not good writing. More like talking and seeing my verbal phrasing appear on the page.

I'd like to think that my writing skills are above level. But the more that I read exceptional writing, writing that is vivid and sensuous and translating the soul...what I'm trying to say is that I want to work for the ability to write well.

A strong voice and picturesque prose? Edgardo Vega Yunque, Jane Smiley, Cormac McCarthy, Leo Furey and Charles Frazier. I started reading Mr. Frazier's Thirteen Moons last week... I wish I could find the proper words to make you understand how beautiful his characters and their valleys are. I really shouldn't try. Please go pick up a copy from your local library.

I think half my problem is that I am extremely wordy but I've curtailed my ability in order to be clear and straightforward. And my writing is flavorless for it. This is why I love reading so much: I hope that what I read will inspire me to find my voice. Let my voice fully express itself without fear of being judged as trite and without purpose.

I am my own worst critic. But I am also my own best counselor. Good work, no, Great work is worth working hard for. So yes indeed the pen is mightier than the sword.

Dogs and Were-Rabbits

2007-11-07T20:49:00.000-08:00

I love dogs. But yesterday as I was walking home from my local polling place, a small black and white dog jumped out at me from a corner, teeth bared. I tried to extend my hand to let him know that I was friendly but he continued to bark and growl at me. I called him a mean little dog.

(I know it isn't my best insult but given the circumstances there really was no other way to put it).

This mean little dog barked and growled and walked in the grass alongside me to make sure I got away from his territory. This dog didn't have a collar and it came from near a large garage so I'm not sure it was his property he was protecting.

My faith in dogs was uplifted today but a viewing of Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit. I know it won an Oscar for best animated film. But I never sat and saw it all the way through until tonight. I laughed outloud at much of the movie. Especially at Gromit because he is CLEARLY the brains of the whole operation.

My favorite scene was when Gromit was sitting in the car waiting for Were-Rabbit to transform. Without looking away from the creature, he reached over with a single finger and pushed the lock on the car door down. When another dog on the outside of the car was begging for him to let him in, Gromit just looked at him and shook his head as if to say, "Hell no". Hilarious!

I miss having a dog/puppy around. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving when I can play an endless game of fetch with my friend's dog Lucy, the indomitable Jack Russell Terrier of Southern California. Woof!

Hmmm.....

2007-11-03T10:00:00.000-07:00

Alas, Halloween has come and gone. My costume is in the bottom of my closet already. I'm wondering how much more candy I can eat before I literally explode! But let the holiday season continue because now I am closer to eating a wonderful home cooked meal and buying presents for my dear loved ones.

This week has flown by much faster than I had expected. I spent my last week working at this wonderful company. I was running around and had so much to do before 5. I kinda feel like if I can get through Thursday evening, I will be ok!

I have a powerpoint presentation that I need to work on. But nothing is getting done until I am more awake and I eat something. Hunger does not a happy person make me. (Grammatically incorrect but the sentiment is right).

Celebrating the Holidays (Halloween Costumes Everyone!!! - 11 days and counting!)

2007-10-19T17:57:00.000-07:00

I was raised a JW (hint: the people who knock on your door at 8am on a Saturday, attempting to bring the occupier the 'word of God'). So all pagan holidays were off-limits. No christmas, no halloween, and especially NO birthdays!I understand exactly why my parents' religion looked down upon these holidays, but for a young girl growing up in a state that is beautiful during the Autumn season, not dressing up as Rainbow Brite sucked royally!

(I don't think my parents realized that after the age of 10, me and my siblings would sneak out and go trick-or-treating for at least an hour every Halloween).

Fast-forward to my college days and I was finally free to practice and believe whatever the hell I wanted (owing to the fact that I lived on the other side of the country, the west coast).

And how did I celebrate my liberation? By planning my Halloween costume six months in advance!!!!

When fall rolls around every year, I get giddy. I start singing Christmas songs and questioning my friends about their choice for Halloween costumes and candy and festive lights and streamers....... ok, calm down, honey. No wonder my friends all start lamenting, "Oh God, now Justina can sing all the Christmas Carols she wants!"

Its just that I'm so happy to be a pagan like everyone else in America right now! (Well, for one day out the year!)

So, I finally figured out what my costume is going to be. The great thing is that I had it in my closet for the last three years!

Ready????

I'm going to be the Karate Kid

Ok, strike that. The Taekwondo Kid because that is what my uniform is for. I just need a rising sun bandanna like Daniel-san (Ha ha, Mr. Miyagi!) and I hope I can get a different colored belt (red, maybe, so I look more professional).

I was originally out looking for a witch's hat, when it dawned upon me that, shit, I was a witch for like three years in a row. Enough. Time to cut the cord. I thought about being Athena until I realized that there was a good chance of someone showing up at the party wearing the same costume.

I think I'm just happy that I'll be wearing pants (even though they are white) and be barefoot all night and I didn't have to slut it up like more girls my age!

So, the big question becomes, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING FOR HALLOWEEN????

No pressure, you have 11 days and counting.....

A Day (ok, two weeks) of Rest

2007-10-19T17:40:00.000-07:00

I've been off from work for two weeks. I spent the first week stressing out because I felt guilty for not working. My brain is wired to be always on the go, so not going to work was physically and emotionally painful. To top it off, I was studying for a couple of midterms and deriding myself for not being adept at drawing graphs. I my stomach churned all week. I was making myself sick for no good reason.

But now, as I sit in bed reading, at the end of what seems like to me a very short two weeks.

Now, I feel extremely grateful that I took this time to deal with the emotions that left me anxiety-ridden and in pools of tears. I needed to release what was engorged in my lungs for so long.

These two weeks also made me realize that I really need to change jobs/careers. This is why I'm so focused on taking night classes and applying graduate school. I want to work so that I can open doors for myself. If I stay with the career path that I am in now, I'm for certain going nowhere fast. Plus, I don't want to be bitter about living in San Francisco anymore. Been there, exhausted that.

The rain that has patched our foggy skies has been a unexpected comfort. Maybe I am like Shirley Manson in that I'm only happy when it rains. But the trickles of precipitation clean the sidewalk surface and give me a reason to smile at my own reflection in passing puddles.

I will return to work on Monday well rested and excited that i will have a break from work midweek. I'm taking Wednesday off so that I can attend a graduate school fair at a local university.

I will greatly miss not waking up until 10 a.m. and having every excuse in the world to sleep more or go to check out Halloween costumes.

Life, at this particular moment, is comforting. Thanks to the rain.

Baking can lead to new discoveries!

2007-10-16T16:21:00.000-07:00

Did you know that when you combine two eggs, 1 cup of water and 1/2 cup of canola oil and then whisk them together, the mixture gets frothy and looks like whipped cream on top of a hot chocolate?

No, I haven't been smoking dope! Just baking pumpkin muffins from a box (courtesy of my friendly neighborhood Trader Joe's).

Strange directions, though, when I add the pumpkin mix to the froth. The instructions said I needed a rubber spatula to FOLD the ingredients together. Fold? Like dough? I was this close to throwing out the spatula and just folding it with my hands. Luckily my senses returned and I followed the directions.

I'll let you know how the muffins turn out.

My own personal mastercard moment

2007-10-12T11:31:00.000-07:00

1 pint of milk & two peaches: $3.65

A paperback copy of Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Love and Pray: $12.55

Realizing you paid $40,000 for a baccalaureate degree, then examining your recent paystub and discovering that you only made $15,000 this year: PRICELESS

For everything else, there's a a pint of Ben & Jerry's and many hours on a therapist's couch.

Must publish more...funny stuff!

2007-10-11T23:08:00.000-07:00

Oh no! Life has become my ultimate excuse. I made a promise to myself in August that I would write in my blog every other day... clearly that August promise was my belated new year's eve resolution...clearly broken but not without hope of being fixed!

So, here are some funny/cute things that I've seen this week (or week past):

1. Passed by the Burberry store on the way to meet a friend for lunch. Looked in and saw a toddler crawling all over the couch in this very expensive store. Made me laugh at the trivialness (is this even a word?) of expensive things.

2. Saw my local health food grocer/owner ordered his dog (or maybe someone else's dog) out of the store, the second it got beyond the kettle corn display. The dog proceeded to go bug the people crossing the street around the corner of the store.

3. Watched a hilarious episode of Real Time with Bill Maher. The guest for the night were Cornell West and Mos Def ( I'm paraphrasing a bit here: Mos Def on Osama Bin Laden, "If someone wants to fuck you up, they're gonna do it! They will be doing it to you! Ain't nobody gonna send you a tape talking about "I'm a fuck you up when I see you")

(Mos Def on media paranoia: I don't believe in labels used to scare people: black vs. white, jewish vs. muslim, autobot vs. decepticon, I DON'T BELIEVE IT!!! : ) .

That entire episode was some funny shit!

Watch it on Youtube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJRetQUTEWA (Hint: start at 7:25 minutes)

4. Me and my friend Ray Ray comparing our ability to 'suck in our chubs' while wearing high waisted pants. Even after the girdle was added! Sexy!

5. How many Halloween packages of Swedish Fish and Sour Patch Kids I can eat in a half hour period... gross!

Ok, that is my post for now. I'll get back to you when I've had some sleep!

Reality Television Killed the Video Star,,, & MTV!

2007-09-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

This an open letter to the executives and producers and whoever else works at MTV

Dear MTV,

I don't have to tell you that Britney's performance last night at the VMA's was less than lackluster.

NO. Actually I DO have to tell you because apparently as you are all in charge and despite the fact that you run the show every year, you didn't have a enough gumption to stop a musical train wreck before it was set to stream to millions of viewers across this nation and the world.

(Sarah Silverman pun not included) .

Millions of viewers. That's something that has been missing for quite some time giving your ratings as of late. I sit back now and I am unable to think of ANY of my friends that even watches MTV anymore. And I'm only 24 years old.

Back in the day (Ok, high school really) I worshiped the box that MTV came out of. 120 minutes, Top 20 Countdown, MTV News (BIG SHOUTOUT to Kurt Loder and John Norris), and most especially the VMAs. Every year I made sure that whatever night the show aired, my schedule was cleared. (well what schedule a teenager can have).

Every year I looked forward to the announcement of that year's MC; and boy were they great: Eddie Murphy, Arsenio Hall, Roseanne, Dennis Miller and most especially Chris Rock.

The performances were usually better than those at the tired-ass Grammys. I expected pomp & circumstance but mainly, Musicianship and Performance. Those acts of yesteryear, when they came to the VMAs, they PERFORMED. The other major factor was that they had numerous awards, almost more than they had air time to give out. With real categories like, Best Alternative, Best Group, Best Hard Rock Performance, Best R & B, Video of the Year. The flow of the show was usually chill and people looked happy to be there.

No longer. A little bird told me something strange last night. Did you seriously give out a 'Triple Threat' award to Justin Timberlake last night??? Timberlake is talented but how is that even in a category suitable for a Music Awards Program? That category belongs at the MTV Movie Awards (which are the only consistent awards show this network has left).

The last time that I watched the VMAs in their entirety was 2001. And all I caught of the the 2007 VMAs was the first five minutes. It reinforced to me exactly what direction MTV has sadly gone in.

MTV, YOU HAVE GONE DOWN THE DRAIN. I say this with the tiniest hope that the network may one day recover some of its former glory. But I won't be holding my breath.

You let market research and even economics trump the manifesto that began this network 26 years ago: ALL MUSIC (VIDEOS), ALL THE TIME!

Anytime that I happened to flip to MTV in the past 10 years, I saw less and less videos. Fuck, MTV DOESN'T EVEN PLAY MUSIC VIDEOS ANYMORE!!!! All your programming is invested in reality television such as the Real World, Road Rules (please, please retire them!), Made, True Life, Pimp My Ride, Making the Band and the latest version of dumb blondes with too much time and cash on their hands, The Hills.

Now, recently I read an article in Esquire where they photographed who I think the the Head VP in charge of programming. (I will fact check this later). What I got out of his short interview was that the MTV's attitude was basically: Fuck it. You can't fight the tide. Look at how well these other networks are doing with reality t.v. We've jumped on the bandwagon but we'll make sure we do SOME public good campaigning, i.e. Choose or Lose (which they've been doing for every election since 1992, so it's not exactly new programing guys).

You've acquiesced and now its time recognize that you've sold your network soul to the tune of profit margins and what I like to call the ADD/ADHD Generation. You've decided to make everything like a Vegas Strip Hooker: underage, all flash, no substance.

People actually used to demand, "I want my MTV!". Now, you're lucky if you can get anyone with half a brain not to mutter, "MTV? Is that shit still on?".

Yes, the shit is still on and there's more of it. Best example: last night's VMAs. Terrible. Horrendous. Mismanaged. Short. A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME. At that was even after Alicia Keys performed.

How the hell did this network drop the ball with what was once one of the biggest, highest rated awards shows in television history, and for argument's sake, a channel that WAS a basic cable ratings giant? I'd like to point what I think are the usual suspects:

1. When the network started moving up the date of the VMAs from the first week in September to the last week in August (last night's performance not included in that).

2. When they moved the awards show from New York to other locations. Miami sucked. L.A. sucked. Las Vegas sucked ass. Take a hint!

3. Changing the filming and format of the show. The VMAs used to be filmed live, with an extensive red carpet pre-show that was a decent lead-up to the main-event. Now they've got an hour, hurried pre-show and a lackluster main show. They also cut down the show from a little over 3 hours to 2 hours.

4. Since they stopped playing videos, more specifically a VARIETY of videos, they've let a few artists (if you can call them that) and bands dominate the roster. As a result, less video nominations and less bands to perform and accept said nominations. Can we spell M-O-N-O-P-O-L-Y?

5. Back to Artists & Bands: Because MTV cared more about record sales and ringtones they haven't been investing ANY programming time towards musicians with substance (and I'm not talking about dime bags here!), musicians who CAN ACTUALLY PLAY THEIR DAMN INSTRUMENTS!!! There are no World Music videos, no real electronica/house/drum & bass/etc. videos, NOT EVEN DECENT POP VIDEOS!!!!

6. TRL. When it first started out that had a credible radio personality (Carson Daly) and they made sure to actually play the videos that fans called in to request. Now its shortened to a half hour, aired only a couple times a week and with almost no music but plenty of pseudo-celebrities hawking their latest designer handbags and shitty movies.

7. Reality television. How can the announcer keep a straight face (voice) when saying, "Welcome to the 20th season of Real World!". Twenty? The first Real World came on the air in 1991. Now, I'm no math whiz but 2007 - 1991 = 16. Why are you airing this show that frequently? Its not St. Elsewhere dammit!

Add to that the fact that MTV would rather create more shows with people cutting themselves to look like their favorite celebrities, offensive, no-talent comedians and brainless/deviant young twenty-somethings who should not be allowed to grace the television screen, let alone reproduce!

Knowing MTV, they'd probably give the demon spawn their own show! Also, enough with the cars! Rather than pimping someone's ride why not just buy them A BRAND NEW CAR. Oh, my bad. The network only reserves new cars for all of the SPOILED, SELF-CENTERED, EGOMANIACAL MINIATURE CEO-IN-WAITING BRATS on My Super Sweet Sixteen.

I have an idea for a new show MTV! Why don't you create a new show called 'Let's drop these super sweet sixteen years olds in low income housing in a minority dominated residential area and force them to live on $20 a week whilst working a part-time job and going to a underfunded public school where they fix the test scores by lowering the standards and kicking out low performing students, all so that its students have little of no chance of going to college but probably enough of a chance to end up working at a burger joint for 6.50 an hour for the next 5 years'. Or as I like to call it, The Real, Real World.

These reasons should suffice but I'm sure that if I opened up any random number of pop-culture blogs right now, there would be plenty more complaints!

Let me turn my attention back to the performance that started my whole critique of MTV. I'd like to take all of the VMAs producers to task for allowing Ms. Britney Spears to embarrass herself like that in front of a worldwide audience! I've never been a fan of Ms. Spears or her music. But even I can invoke empathy for someone who is clearly on a self-destructive path with no one telling her the whole truth and nothing but.

I thought she looked distracted or even dazed. She didn't dance, just walked around and let her backup dancers do all the work. She didn't even bother to half lip-sync. She's had better performances, even at earlier incarnations of the same awards show.

But none of the producers thought it wise to pull the plug on what they KNEW was going to be a bad performance. They probably kept her on just so that her public crucifying would bring in more ratings!

I saw the photos online of her out partying every night leading up to the awards show. The producers and for that matter, Britney and her handlers should have made sure she was REHEARSING NOT PARTYING!! I'm taking P. Diddy and all her other VMA cohorts to task on this as well! If you know the girl, if you even give a fuck about her as a human being, shouldn't you have acted like a gentleman and told her to lay off the booze? Most of these people are parents! What do you do when your kids decide to act up? You bar/restrict them from participating in the activities that they love best. For Diddy's kids it's taking away the Playstation. For Britney, its' the damn VMAs!!!

Some Dr.Phil-sounding advice: Don't be an enabler if you can avoid it!

MTV knows that she is going through a vicious custody battle right now. They're adding fuel to the fire by allowing her to do what she did last night. Unforgiveable.

To Ms. Spears, learn from this awful performance! You need to take an extended break. Take care of your yourself, your kids and forget about the music biz for awhile because it clearly is working against you. Stage another comeback when you are clearly sober and in your right mind.

MTV, the ball is in your court! You can improve your network and bring back in an older audience (above 19!) who are just as sick of VH1 as they are of you right now! Might I make a few suggestions?

1. Scrap the concept for next years VMAs. Toss it, run it over, whatever it takes!

2. Fire or demote whoever has been producing the shows since 2000 because they've been getting steadily worse since then.

3. Bring in a good comedian to host. Sarah Silverman has her moments but she's kinda like the comedic Ann Coulter. She doesn't really believe that shit, she just wants to get a rise out of you.

4. Change your programming to play at least some videos so that you can give out some decent sounding awards next year.

5. Retire pop-punk. Its the new rap/metal

6. For the next year, no more videos by Beyonce, Avril, Ashanti, Cassie, whoever-the-hell- dominates your female pop artist list. Enough is enough.

7. Cancel most of your shows. CANCEL THEM!!! NO ifs, ands or buts about it!

8. If you are going to have any shows, THEY MUST BE ABOUT MUSIC NOT ABOUT HAVING MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND FOR THE AUDIENCE TO HEAR OVER RUDE PHILOSOPHIZING from idiots whose parents should be ashamed to have children that dumb!!!!

9. Expand your News department! That is the one area that I recall as having some substance and trying to connect with your younger audience, to make them aware of what's going on in the world outside of their immediate attention spans. Kudos to Suchin Pak! Bring Tabitha Soren & Serena Altschul out of retirement and pay them a boatload of cash she deserves to do the reporting you know they can do! Is Kurt Loder still there? Pay him more. The same goes for John Norris, a real trooper in my opinion to have stayed with your retarded asses for this long!

10. Tell Viacom, the big media conglomerate that owns your sorry asses, to BACK OFF! Leave the shareholder nonsense to them. Worry about making MTV what it once was, classy, rollicking and informative, and what it can be again (should it make the choice to jump off the bandwagon and make MTV about the Music (videos) once again)!

Wishing you good luck in your future endeavors,

Me

Enough Bullshit - Declaration of Independence

2007-09-03T20:59:00.001-07:00

The title of this post says it all.

Actually. I don't think it says enough because I feel the need to fill in exactly why I'm saying enough bullshit. I am declaring myself independent from all that I consider false and a detriment to who I am.

For the past couple of years, I have tried (in vain) to adjust myself to the ideal that 'we all need to put on a face for the outside world'.

For me, being nice for the sake of appearances translates to being fake.

I've had enough. I cannot be fake. If I feel like being nice, fine. I don't consider myself a mean person in any respects. I am respectful of everyone I meet. But pretending and keeping up appearances is exhausting and time consuming and I just don't have time for that shit in my life.

As a person I can only do so much. I realized that, subconsciously, there has always been a limit to the amount of ass I'm willing to kiss. I had spent a unbelievable amount of energy and time assuaging others' feelings. I reached my limit this year and I am at the point of no return.

What I'm saying explicitly is that I am done trying to be someone that I'm not.

I'm not going to be fake, a bitch, a brown-noser. These attitudes go against my core values. They represent what I feel is significantly wrong with the direction that American society and our institutions are going in.

Bullshit is supposed to be the oil that keeps the train of society running.

If that is the case, let me off at the next stop.

Over the years I've met a number of people who believe that not being yourself/adjusting your moral compass, are how you get ahead in the world.

Fuck it. Forget about the next stop, I'm throwing myself off the train right now! in protest!

I have to say what I mean. I have to pursue the ideas and things that interest me without fear that it ruffles someone's feathers. I cannot abide by idleness, ignorance and most of all, cowering complicity.

My message to those who believe that being fake will make you're life easier: ENOUGH WITH THE BULLSHIT! Because that's what it is to me. I prefer the ability to look myself in the mirror and know that I was true to myself.

To that same audience: ENOUGH WITH THE PROPAGANDA AND THE MARKETING! Stop trying to sell me on shit that you know stands in direct conflict with how I engage with others, what I take at face value. Stop trying to convince me that this is how the world works because I don't agree. In my opinion, its the fucking root of the problem.

Mahatma Gandhi said, "You must be the change that you wish to see in the world".

I'm choosing to change myself. I choose to turn around and walk away from the dire road that I have the potential to head down if I continue listening to bullshit advice. If I try to be everything that I'm not.

One thing that I am not is fucking selfish. The whole 'Looking out for number one' attitude is exactly why millions of people (citizens and non-citizens) keep getting the shaft, fucked mercilessly by a economic system that favors those who want to keep most of this country's gains for a select few. And I say few, I mean FEW (to the tune of a couple thousand fucking almost 300 million people).

To all the naysayers: The fucking jig is up! So fucking stop it! Stop being a bunch of cunts and start giving a real fuck about somebody other than yourselves. Karma is a bitch but she's usually a prompt guest. Don't forget it!

Declare your independence! Stop the flow of bullshit!

I might have bad taste in (some) movies!

2007-09-01T18:33:00.001-07:00


	My Flixster

Demise of a Dictator

2007-08-24T13:37:00.000-07:00

I know I shouldn't pay attention to gossip but, if according to what Perez Hilton's website is now reporting, Fidel Castro has finally taken the celestial express!!!!!!

http://perezhilton.com/?p=4401

Normally, I don't think its right to speak ill of the dead... except for certain circumstances. News of Fidel's demise definitely qualifies as special circumstances! If there is any justice in heaven, right now Fidel is digging ditches in hell!

But to be nice, I will say that the one good thing he did was to give all Cuban nationals free health care. Not even the dictator to the north has granted that!

I can't even imagine the amount of partying, crying, laughing and hugging that will happen in Miami and in Cuban exile communities across the world in just a short while when the announcement is made. I hope everyone effected by Castro's horrendous policies and iron regime will Party like its 1999!

I sincerely hope that much good will come out of this. I sincerely hope this will motivate our current Bush administration legislators to change the insane law that only allows Cuban and Cuban-Americans to travel to visit relatives in Cuba..ONCE EVERY THREE YEARS! Shameful! I also hope that Cuba is NOT subjected to Castro part deux should his brother succeed him!

All in all I wish nothing but good for everyone!

Blessing in Disguise (Diary Of A Bruised Body)

2007-08-24T01:04:00.000-07:00

They say that incidents happen in threes. So on account of my gung-ho-ness at work I managed to give myself two almost concussions and a sore finger.

I'll explain. I was at work and the Fed-Ex came to drop off a bunch of boxes. I was helping shove something onto the floor. I wasn't aware how close I was to his dolly (I think that's how its spelled!) ...just like that I lifted my head up and SMACK! went my forehead on pure metal.

All I could utter was 'OW..ow..owie...ow'! The Fed-Ex was smirking/giggling. Who can blame him? If that was me watching instead of getting injured, I would have laughed too! I tried to laugh it off but the second he left the room, I was still groaning and feeling the new bump that was sure to make me look like a dunce if I didn't get the swelling down fast.

I proceeded to the kitchen to the first aid kit on the wall. Who happens to be there talking to someone whilst I struggled with the kit hooks? My supervisor. Who is really nice and ask if everything was fine. "Of course! Just a small injury". (It wasn't). My head was really smarting.

I put ice on it for 10 minutes. Duty calls and I went down to the loading dock to help a delivery guy with a large shipment of stuff.

Remember Groundhog's Day with Bill Murray? I didn't even feel deja vu when I accidentally got smacked in the side of the head with a box the delivery guy was lifting. All I felt was a dull sensation of pain. Pain and "Uh oh, I hurt...again". Tear.

No time to cry because getting anything up from the loading dock is a pain and takes time. So I just had to pretend to shake it off.

Except I was getting seriously concerned that I might have REALLY given myself a concussion! With no health insurance, I have no choice but to suffer (not in silence because I think later I realized I told like 10 people that my head hurts). Time is money. No money means no rent. No rent means no SF. No SF means....you get the picture.

This is when the third smackdown occurs (well, wrenching is more like it). I was helping the delivery guy to maneuver the crate into the elevator. He was pushing forward while I was trying to push book back from getting stuck in the elevator door. My ring got caught between the wood and the elevator and LITERALLY GOT RIPPED OFF MY FINGER.

I was in shock when I looked down. And the delivery guy kept saying I'm sorry. I was adult about it. No use crying over spilled ring. The saddest part about it was not my extremely sore (hopefully not sprained!) finger is that I bought that ring over two years ago and it is my favorite! I wear it everyday and only take it off around water.

But that ring incident turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Better my ring ripped apart than my finger! Because that is exactly would have happened if my ring hadn't been there! And that would be far worse because it would have hurt and bled like hell and put me out of work until it healed. So I wouldn't be able to work...period! That would be terrible because in order to survive in San Francisco and keep my apartment and pay my bills, I NEED TO HAVE A JOB AND EARN A LIVING!!!! My hands (all ten fingers included) ARE IMPORTANT!!!

Luckily, the ring was torn open in such a way that it will be easy to weld it back together. I'll try to get it fixed this weekend.

I ended up going home after work and icing my wounds to numbness.

To top it off, I got an email from a former friend that basically says that we should get over our differences and be buddies again. I almost considered it. Then I decided to look at some old emails the friend sent me that were quite nasty and vindictive. A smile came to my face because it hit me that again that most bad incidents are blessings in disguises. I don't always need a smack in the forehead to know when to take a hint!

Love is a funny thing...

2007-08-04T04:03:00.000-07:00

Usually, at some point during the month I start reflecting back on my past relationships. It then occurs to me that I have had none. Do I consider myself lacking? fortunate? Most times I feel a combination of both.

My sole problem is trust. When you haven't had a healthy basic foundation for trust established when you were young, nor maintained when you were an adolescent, it leaves one in a bit of a limbo. I'm quite social but I don't maintain any romantic relationships because I have this underlying suspicion that whomever I date is ultimately going... to disappoint the living hell out of me.

High standards? You bet. I consider my heart too important to be trifled with. But in cutting myself off from taking the chance of being disappointed and getting hurt, I am in turn only hurting myself.

I guess what disappoints me the most is when I meet a guy that I would consider dating seriously. And usually, as though fates love to joke at a humans' expense, THE GUY HAS ABSOLUTELY NO INTEREST IN ME.

It is always crushing. But I find I'm getting used to not getting what I want. I'm starting to realize that everything takes practice and that slowly but surely I am taking the baby steps needed to let true love into my life. And the only way to do that is to love yourself!

Loving yourself to me means: forgiving myself for not being superwoman, being vulnerable sometimes (even when you feel like its cracking your hardened exterior put out to the world everyday). Acknowledging that you are beautiful, sexy and have a wonderful mind. That you are kinder then you give yourself credit for. That you are dependable even though you are late more times than you can count. That it is okay to make mistakes because there is always a lesson to be learned from them; its called LIVING. And last, but not least, that you deserve happiness and whatever good things that come your way!

I'm on a slow journey to loving myself completely. But I'm making progress and that is a great thing. Anything worth wanting is worth working for. Loving myself is definitely worth it for me!

OMG! The future is upon us....

2007-07-29T12:56:00.000-07:00

So, I realized today that I haven't updated my blog in over a month. I was so keen to start writing about my life in San Francisco and all the things that I see and experience every day. I had gathered all these articles because I wanted to write how I felt about how I felt about the whole debate on immigration (and how hypocritical I think many who oppose immigration are).

I think what happened is that I overextended myself in other areas of my life and as a result I lost focus on what I have to say. I was too busy worrying (stressing more like) over a temp-to-hire job (which I didn't get :), paying rent and just life in general.

So my focus slipped and now I've finally remembered what I wanted to say.

The future. It is a funny thing indeed. We are given no hint of what to come; even thought out predictions can fail to actualize. What I've failed to accept (even today I am struggling with it...) is that we have no real control of the future; there are too many outside forces that overwhelm the abilities of a single individual.

The only card we as individuals have to play is free choice. We have a choice in the decisions we make for ourselves. Nothing else. No matter how painful or scary it may seem we have to go forward with whatever decisions we choose to make. Whether it works out in our favor or not. Shit happens to everyone.

The thing I value the most out of any decision I've made it is that there is always a lesson to be learned from it. In retrospect, I can always say that everything happens for a reason; even when I don't understand it at the time. I grow from my lessons.

Enough ruminating from me for today. I've got a nasty cold and need to get some sleep before tomorrow!

Nosy People

2007-06-21T00:31:00.000-07:00

Normally, I'm an even tempered person. I don't really get upset without reason (I'm sure somewhere, I have friends going "Right....."). My reaction to this incident may have been the result of her rudeness, my sensitivity. Or it could have been..... because I was STARVING. And we all know, that hunger makes you cranky!

So, I was standing at the bus stop today, minding my own business, waiting to go home. I started unwrapping this leftover portion of a falafel from lunch on monday. I was starving! But in the process of revealing my golden nugget, this older woman standing next to me, turns to me to say:

"Excuse Me. But do you know that there is no eating allowed on the bus?'

"Yeah. That's why I'm taking a bite now."

She turned away and almost immediately began a conversation with another lady next to her who was into knitting.

However, the entire time, only one thought(s) kept running through my head:

"Hey, fuck you lady! Do I look fucking retarded?! I take the bus every day! Don't you think I know that I'm not supposed to eat on there?! You see me every fucking M-F and do you see me eating on the bus??? NOOOOOOO!"

So step off Bitch!

I felt kinda bad for calling this older lady a bitch so late in the day. She seemed like a relatively decent, composed woman who was well dressed.

But that didn't give her any right to but in where her opinion wasn't wanted and wasn't solicited.
Besides, why did she care so much? It was only a freaking falafel!!!!

Save a Tree, Start a Blog (Just Kidding)

2007-06-17T18:11:00.000-07:00

So this is my first blog posting.!Its weird because I can't believe I waited this long to do something that is really quite simple! I'd like to thank my good friend Kathryn for encouraging me to post my thoughts and ideas in an open place.

I guess the foremost thought on my mind is: what a difference a year can make. I'm in a completely different place than I was last year (litterally and figuratively). I think what I'm feeling is something akin to the realization of happiness. To what degree, varies from day to day. But it lingers and its growing stronger. I hope that it will propel me to try new things. I also want to...well, I want a lot of things. And things (good and bad) come to you in due time.

I have to go grocery shopping but I will be back to post something tomorrow. To anyone reading this, I hope you enjoy the rest of your Sunday!