Haha! I was posting on my friend Kathryn's page, when I decided to check my own. 6 months is a long time to not detail my musings on life or random encounters. (Especially since everyday I encounter a scenario that leaves me in either a state of giggles or a state of befuddlement). The pressure of it all, my desire to be minutely detailed and project novel gravitas... oh fuck it.
No amount of big words is going to change the fact that I lack discipline when it comes to posting. Don't get me wrong. I write everyday. But I spend so much time brooding on a certain state of affairs that I convince myself that my blogging is a trifle best left un-indulged?
I have a reoccurring debate in my head. Its fierceness mirrors my moods:
In the back of my mind, I always ask aren't brilliant people supposed to be tortured? Hasn't their inability to rise from the depths of despair given the world great art forms over the recent millennium? Isn't the realization that one will never be satisfied, enough to make one stop bullshitting and convey to the masses the truth of human emotion, no matter how dark a place the artist had to go to in order to create their masterpiece?
The front of my brain counterattacks. It questions whether great sadness is simply too easy from which to drawn inspiration? It ponders if optimism is a road better traveled but if it too is a road rife with potholes?Why Sunshine and Inspiration do not give their gifts freely? Are the pursuits of these rare gifts a tacit agreement that when an artist is finally rewarded with them, the greater affect of the final art product will be the universality that will allow the artist to connect with audiences living or yet to be born?
Again, I digress! Anyways, my problem is my lack of discipline. And my persistent thinking that only life-changing events are worthy of chronicling. Yes, they are worthy. But it is the in-between written observations that fill in the sides of the turkey platter we call 'life' and make for a better meal/story.
Oh wait! What was I gonna write about? I've forgotten in my 'musings'. But I will begin again tomorrow with any trifle that warrants my attention to blog about! Happy trails!
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Attack of the Pea Coats
Over the years I have put valuable input into avoiding Fashion Trends. There is an expression that goes "Everything old is new again". Never a truer word spoken if anyone takes the time to walk into stores such as H&M or even Neiman Marcus. I laughed; giggled; cajooled and pointed at all the fashions that have been 'in' in the past year. EVERYTHING, down to the chunky jewelry, looks exactly like all the clothes from the late 60s, 70s and the whole 80s that my parents finally packed off to our local Goodwill store just before the Millennium.
To see all of my childhood memories adorned on the bodies of women with self-induced eating disorders....I was rather hoping that since so many of these women were making the effort to dress as their mothers and grandmothers did in previous decades, they would now also be as politically aware as their relatives were during the periods of strife that those styles were created in.
That's probably asking way too much of my generation.
I've been digressing. The whole point of this post was to write about a disturbing fashion trend that I realized this week has permeated every corner of this city.
I'm speaking of Pea Coats. Every women or girl has one! I'm not kidding! I even made the mistake of buying one at this thrift store in burbank last month. (In my defense, I got it for 20 dollars when it was originally priced at 80 dollars!) Now I'm wondering to myself, "What the hell was I thinking?!!!"
I moment of observation came almost two weeks ago on my way to work. I was seated on the darling MUNI bus and I noticed that I was sitting across from three different women wearing pea coats in various shades. (To top it off they also had the same type of silk scarf knotted around their necks in the same style). I probably cocked my head while staring at them in the manner of 'WTF?'.
I remember turning my gaze to my right and seeing a number of other women on the bus wearing pea coats as well. (The latest trend in pea coats is to wear them in bright colors such as nuclear green and scarlet fever red). The ride ended in thirty minutes, so I was occupied the whole ride with one thought: Who else is wearing one of them?
The answer came quickly during my trapeze through the streets on the way to work. Every other woman was wearing a pea coat!!! Well fuck it! I'm sure as hell not going to wear mine now!
The more I thought about the prevalence among women in this city for wearing this particular type of coat, the more I tried to create a spiderweb of information that would lead a college-educated female towards the center of the web (which is where the pea coat resides).
After a few minutes I realized that there was no need to create a spiderweb of information to deduce why pea coats are so popular. The answer I sought was simple: It is a 'professional'-looking coat.
The pea coat has become, in my opinion, another accessory to round out the corporate drone outfit from hell. And although I have become a corporate whore to stay fed and housed, I refuse, REFUSE, to give in any further and dress like the drones that want me to join their blackberry toting, gold card member carrying, sharper image ordering, Tumi luggage buying circle of hell!
So until the day that the have to kiss corporate ass entirely, I will sit bundled up in my old ass black dye fading bubble coat. I may be tacky but with my soul is intact!
To see all of my childhood memories adorned on the bodies of women with self-induced eating disorders....I was rather hoping that since so many of these women were making the effort to dress as their mothers and grandmothers did in previous decades, they would now also be as politically aware as their relatives were during the periods of strife that those styles were created in.
That's probably asking way too much of my generation.
I've been digressing. The whole point of this post was to write about a disturbing fashion trend that I realized this week has permeated every corner of this city.
I'm speaking of Pea Coats. Every women or girl has one! I'm not kidding! I even made the mistake of buying one at this thrift store in burbank last month. (In my defense, I got it for 20 dollars when it was originally priced at 80 dollars!) Now I'm wondering to myself, "What the hell was I thinking?!!!"
I moment of observation came almost two weeks ago on my way to work. I was seated on the darling MUNI bus and I noticed that I was sitting across from three different women wearing pea coats in various shades. (To top it off they also had the same type of silk scarf knotted around their necks in the same style). I probably cocked my head while staring at them in the manner of 'WTF?'.
I remember turning my gaze to my right and seeing a number of other women on the bus wearing pea coats as well. (The latest trend in pea coats is to wear them in bright colors such as nuclear green and scarlet fever red). The ride ended in thirty minutes, so I was occupied the whole ride with one thought: Who else is wearing one of them?
The answer came quickly during my trapeze through the streets on the way to work. Every other woman was wearing a pea coat!!! Well fuck it! I'm sure as hell not going to wear mine now!
The more I thought about the prevalence among women in this city for wearing this particular type of coat, the more I tried to create a spiderweb of information that would lead a college-educated female towards the center of the web (which is where the pea coat resides).
After a few minutes I realized that there was no need to create a spiderweb of information to deduce why pea coats are so popular. The answer I sought was simple: It is a 'professional'-looking coat.
The pea coat has become, in my opinion, another accessory to round out the corporate drone outfit from hell. And although I have become a corporate whore to stay fed and housed, I refuse, REFUSE, to give in any further and dress like the drones that want me to join their blackberry toting, gold card member carrying, sharper image ordering, Tumi luggage buying circle of hell!
So until the day that the have to kiss corporate ass entirely, I will sit bundled up in my old ass black dye fading bubble coat. I may be tacky but with my soul is intact!
Thursday, December 27, 2007
R,I,P, A VERY SAD DAY INDEED
I woke up to the terrible, terrible news that Benazir Bhutto, former Prime Minister of Pakistan, who had recently returned to her homeland following years of exile, was assassinated today at a political rally. The killer than blew himself up and killed an additional 22 PEOPLE. 23 unwarranted, wasteful deaths
She along with current President Pervez Musharraf were due to participate in government elections on January 8th, 2008. I am extremely concerned about what this means for the people of Pakistan and the country's future.
My condolences go out to the families, friends and admirers of Ms. Bhutto and those 22 PEOPLE who died today. May they all rest in peace. May this wonderful lady rest in peace as well.
She along with current President Pervez Musharraf were due to participate in government elections on January 8th, 2008. I am extremely concerned about what this means for the people of Pakistan and the country's future.
My condolences go out to the families, friends and admirers of Ms. Bhutto and those 22 PEOPLE who died today. May they all rest in peace. May this wonderful lady rest in peace as well.
Grin and Fake It
Its past midnight, the day after the day after Christmas (Dec. 27) and I am (what's a good word to use here? Plagued, Obsessed? Indaunted? Yeah, I'm indaunted by an idea my friend suggested to me on how to cope with life: that one has the ability to trick oneself into believing something, particularly, that you can trick yourself into thinking that you are happy.
I tried her suggestion several times but came to a brutal conclusion: tricking oneself into believing something is the same thing as lying to oneself. I see it as concealing the truth in order to function within a world that asks not what you can do for yourself, but how well you can keeps others happy. I see it as a resistance to address a problem that readily rises to the surface whenever you least expect it to.
I cannot trick myself into doing anything that I don't want to do. Not even for the sake of letting others off the hook from having to address that life is not all smiles and good times. I find it exhausting trying to pretend that things are well when they are clearly not. I guess this makes me a killjoy but feel that I have earned the right to not display the emotions I need to express. Its not selfish. The selfish thing would be to pretend that I am fine until someone gets a call at 3am saying that my suicide attempt failed.
On a side note: I guess the reason I'm bringing up the topic of suicide is because for the last number of months I've had a stronger desire to off myself than I've had since I was a teenager. I'm anxiety-ridden and miserable all the time. And I blame the medication that I'm taking.
I've made the personal decision to stop taking it. I realize that I might always be depressed to a degree because it is apart of my psyche. There's nothing wrong with me for admitting that I have a lot of issues to work through. But I strongly feel that I've run my course with my medication.
So farewell, Celexa. We had a good run and I hope that you can help others through a rough time that you helped me through earlier this year. I sincerely hope that you will be the last anti-depressant I will take over my very long life. Take care.
And with that, the New Year begins.
I tried her suggestion several times but came to a brutal conclusion: tricking oneself into believing something is the same thing as lying to oneself. I see it as concealing the truth in order to function within a world that asks not what you can do for yourself, but how well you can keeps others happy. I see it as a resistance to address a problem that readily rises to the surface whenever you least expect it to.
I cannot trick myself into doing anything that I don't want to do. Not even for the sake of letting others off the hook from having to address that life is not all smiles and good times. I find it exhausting trying to pretend that things are well when they are clearly not. I guess this makes me a killjoy but feel that I have earned the right to not display the emotions I need to express. Its not selfish. The selfish thing would be to pretend that I am fine until someone gets a call at 3am saying that my suicide attempt failed.
On a side note: I guess the reason I'm bringing up the topic of suicide is because for the last number of months I've had a stronger desire to off myself than I've had since I was a teenager. I'm anxiety-ridden and miserable all the time. And I blame the medication that I'm taking.
I've made the personal decision to stop taking it. I realize that I might always be depressed to a degree because it is apart of my psyche. There's nothing wrong with me for admitting that I have a lot of issues to work through. But I strongly feel that I've run my course with my medication.
So farewell, Celexa. We had a good run and I hope that you can help others through a rough time that you helped me through earlier this year. I sincerely hope that you will be the last anti-depressant I will take over my very long life. Take care.
And with that, the New Year begins.
Friday, November 16, 2007
finding my voice
I read over my earlier posts and I am struck by how simple the writing is to me.
No. Not simple but basic. Basic sentences. Not good writing. More like talking and seeing my verbal phrasing appear on the page.
I'd like to think that my writing skills are above level. But the more that I read exceptional writing, writing that is vivid and sensuous and translating the soul...what I'm trying to say is that I want to work for the ability to write well.
A strong voice and picturesque prose? Edgardo Vega Yunque, Jane Smiley, Cormac McCarthy, Leo Furey and Charles Frazier. I started reading Mr. Frazier's Thirteen Moons last week... I wish I could find the proper words to make you understand how beautiful his characters and their valleys are. I really shouldn't try. Please go pick up a copy from your local library.
I think half my problem is that I am extremely wordy but I've curtailed my ability in order to be clear and straightforward. And my writing is flavorless for it. This is why I love reading so much: I hope that what I read will inspire me to find my voice. Let my voice fully express itself without fear of being judged as trite and without purpose.
I am my own worst critic. But I am also my own best counselor. Good work, no, Great work is worth working hard for. So yes indeed the pen is mightier than the sword.
No. Not simple but basic. Basic sentences. Not good writing. More like talking and seeing my verbal phrasing appear on the page.
I'd like to think that my writing skills are above level. But the more that I read exceptional writing, writing that is vivid and sensuous and translating the soul...what I'm trying to say is that I want to work for the ability to write well.
A strong voice and picturesque prose? Edgardo Vega Yunque, Jane Smiley, Cormac McCarthy, Leo Furey and Charles Frazier. I started reading Mr. Frazier's Thirteen Moons last week... I wish I could find the proper words to make you understand how beautiful his characters and their valleys are. I really shouldn't try. Please go pick up a copy from your local library.
I think half my problem is that I am extremely wordy but I've curtailed my ability in order to be clear and straightforward. And my writing is flavorless for it. This is why I love reading so much: I hope that what I read will inspire me to find my voice. Let my voice fully express itself without fear of being judged as trite and without purpose.
I am my own worst critic. But I am also my own best counselor. Good work, no, Great work is worth working hard for. So yes indeed the pen is mightier than the sword.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Dogs and Were-Rabbits
I love dogs. But yesterday as I was walking home from my local polling place, a small black and white dog jumped out at me from a corner, teeth bared. I tried to extend my hand to let him know that I was friendly but he continued to bark and growl at me. I called him a mean little dog.
(I know it isn't my best insult but given the circumstances there really was no other way to put it).
This mean little dog barked and growled and walked in the grass alongside me to make sure I got away from his territory. This dog didn't have a collar and it came from near a large garage so I'm not sure it was his property he was protecting.
My faith in dogs was uplifted today but a viewing of Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit. I know it won an Oscar for best animated film. But I never sat and saw it all the way through until tonight. I laughed outloud at much of the movie. Especially at Gromit because he is CLEARLY the brains of the whole operation.
My favorite scene was when Gromit was sitting in the car waiting for Were-Rabbit to transform. Without looking away from the creature, he reached over with a single finger and pushed the lock on the car door down. When another dog on the outside of the car was begging for him to let him in, Gromit just looked at him and shook his head as if to say, "Hell no". Hilarious!
I miss having a dog/puppy around. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving when I can play an endless game of fetch with my friend's dog Lucy, the indomitable Jack Russell Terrier of Southern California. Woof!
(I know it isn't my best insult but given the circumstances there really was no other way to put it).
This mean little dog barked and growled and walked in the grass alongside me to make sure I got away from his territory. This dog didn't have a collar and it came from near a large garage so I'm not sure it was his property he was protecting.
My faith in dogs was uplifted today but a viewing of Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit. I know it won an Oscar for best animated film. But I never sat and saw it all the way through until tonight. I laughed outloud at much of the movie. Especially at Gromit because he is CLEARLY the brains of the whole operation.
My favorite scene was when Gromit was sitting in the car waiting for Were-Rabbit to transform. Without looking away from the creature, he reached over with a single finger and pushed the lock on the car door down. When another dog on the outside of the car was begging for him to let him in, Gromit just looked at him and shook his head as if to say, "Hell no". Hilarious!
I miss having a dog/puppy around. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving when I can play an endless game of fetch with my friend's dog Lucy, the indomitable Jack Russell Terrier of Southern California. Woof!
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Hmmm.....
Alas, Halloween has come and gone. My costume is in the bottom of my closet already. I'm wondering how much more candy I can eat before I literally explode! But let the holiday season continue because now I am closer to eating a wonderful home cooked meal and buying presents for my dear loved ones.
This week has flown by much faster than I had expected. I spent my last week working at this wonderful company. I was running around and had so much to do before 5. I kinda feel like if I can get through Thursday evening, I will be ok!
I have a powerpoint presentation that I need to work on. But nothing is getting done until I am more awake and I eat something. Hunger does not a happy person make me. (Grammatically incorrect but the sentiment is right).
This week has flown by much faster than I had expected. I spent my last week working at this wonderful company. I was running around and had so much to do before 5. I kinda feel like if I can get through Thursday evening, I will be ok!
I have a powerpoint presentation that I need to work on. But nothing is getting done until I am more awake and I eat something. Hunger does not a happy person make me. (Grammatically incorrect but the sentiment is right).
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