Its past midnight, the day after the day after Christmas (Dec. 27) and I am (what's a good word to use here? Plagued, Obsessed? Indaunted? Yeah, I'm indaunted by an idea my friend suggested to me on how to cope with life: that one has the ability to trick oneself into believing something, particularly, that you can trick yourself into thinking that you are happy.
I tried her suggestion several times but came to a brutal conclusion: tricking oneself into believing something is the same thing as lying to oneself. I see it as concealing the truth in order to function within a world that asks not what you can do for yourself, but how well you can keeps others happy. I see it as a resistance to address a problem that readily rises to the surface whenever you least expect it to.
I cannot trick myself into doing anything that I don't want to do. Not even for the sake of letting others off the hook from having to address that life is not all smiles and good times. I find it exhausting trying to pretend that things are well when they are clearly not. I guess this makes me a killjoy but feel that I have earned the right to not display the emotions I need to express. Its not selfish. The selfish thing would be to pretend that I am fine until someone gets a call at 3am saying that my suicide attempt failed.
On a side note: I guess the reason I'm bringing up the topic of suicide is because for the last number of months I've had a stronger desire to off myself than I've had since I was a teenager. I'm anxiety-ridden and miserable all the time. And I blame the medication that I'm taking.
I've made the personal decision to stop taking it. I realize that I might always be depressed to a degree because it is apart of my psyche. There's nothing wrong with me for admitting that I have a lot of issues to work through. But I strongly feel that I've run my course with my medication.
So farewell, Celexa. We had a good run and I hope that you can help others through a rough time that you helped me through earlier this year. I sincerely hope that you will be the last anti-depressant I will take over my very long life. Take care.
And with that, the New Year begins.
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Babe, that is sad to hear. I am sorry that you've been so low and I wish I could help you in some way. Hopefully, 2008 will be good to you and perhaps we can meet again soonish! Good luck with coming off the meds. I have a feeling perhaps you went with the wrong one...Zoloft works pretty well if ever in the future you feel the need to try something else. :)
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