I woke up to the terrible, terrible news that Benazir Bhutto, former Prime Minister of Pakistan, who had recently returned to her homeland following years of exile, was assassinated today at a political rally. The killer than blew himself up and killed an additional 22 PEOPLE. 23 unwarranted, wasteful deaths
She along with current President Pervez Musharraf were due to participate in government elections on January 8th, 2008. I am extremely concerned about what this means for the people of Pakistan and the country's future.
My condolences go out to the families, friends and admirers of Ms. Bhutto and those 22 PEOPLE who died today. May they all rest in peace. May this wonderful lady rest in peace as well.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Grin and Fake It
Its past midnight, the day after the day after Christmas (Dec. 27) and I am (what's a good word to use here? Plagued, Obsessed? Indaunted? Yeah, I'm indaunted by an idea my friend suggested to me on how to cope with life: that one has the ability to trick oneself into believing something, particularly, that you can trick yourself into thinking that you are happy.
I tried her suggestion several times but came to a brutal conclusion: tricking oneself into believing something is the same thing as lying to oneself. I see it as concealing the truth in order to function within a world that asks not what you can do for yourself, but how well you can keeps others happy. I see it as a resistance to address a problem that readily rises to the surface whenever you least expect it to.
I cannot trick myself into doing anything that I don't want to do. Not even for the sake of letting others off the hook from having to address that life is not all smiles and good times. I find it exhausting trying to pretend that things are well when they are clearly not. I guess this makes me a killjoy but feel that I have earned the right to not display the emotions I need to express. Its not selfish. The selfish thing would be to pretend that I am fine until someone gets a call at 3am saying that my suicide attempt failed.
On a side note: I guess the reason I'm bringing up the topic of suicide is because for the last number of months I've had a stronger desire to off myself than I've had since I was a teenager. I'm anxiety-ridden and miserable all the time. And I blame the medication that I'm taking.
I've made the personal decision to stop taking it. I realize that I might always be depressed to a degree because it is apart of my psyche. There's nothing wrong with me for admitting that I have a lot of issues to work through. But I strongly feel that I've run my course with my medication.
So farewell, Celexa. We had a good run and I hope that you can help others through a rough time that you helped me through earlier this year. I sincerely hope that you will be the last anti-depressant I will take over my very long life. Take care.
And with that, the New Year begins.
I tried her suggestion several times but came to a brutal conclusion: tricking oneself into believing something is the same thing as lying to oneself. I see it as concealing the truth in order to function within a world that asks not what you can do for yourself, but how well you can keeps others happy. I see it as a resistance to address a problem that readily rises to the surface whenever you least expect it to.
I cannot trick myself into doing anything that I don't want to do. Not even for the sake of letting others off the hook from having to address that life is not all smiles and good times. I find it exhausting trying to pretend that things are well when they are clearly not. I guess this makes me a killjoy but feel that I have earned the right to not display the emotions I need to express. Its not selfish. The selfish thing would be to pretend that I am fine until someone gets a call at 3am saying that my suicide attempt failed.
On a side note: I guess the reason I'm bringing up the topic of suicide is because for the last number of months I've had a stronger desire to off myself than I've had since I was a teenager. I'm anxiety-ridden and miserable all the time. And I blame the medication that I'm taking.
I've made the personal decision to stop taking it. I realize that I might always be depressed to a degree because it is apart of my psyche. There's nothing wrong with me for admitting that I have a lot of issues to work through. But I strongly feel that I've run my course with my medication.
So farewell, Celexa. We had a good run and I hope that you can help others through a rough time that you helped me through earlier this year. I sincerely hope that you will be the last anti-depressant I will take over my very long life. Take care.
And with that, the New Year begins.
Friday, November 16, 2007
finding my voice
I read over my earlier posts and I am struck by how simple the writing is to me.
No. Not simple but basic. Basic sentences. Not good writing. More like talking and seeing my verbal phrasing appear on the page.
I'd like to think that my writing skills are above level. But the more that I read exceptional writing, writing that is vivid and sensuous and translating the soul...what I'm trying to say is that I want to work for the ability to write well.
A strong voice and picturesque prose? Edgardo Vega Yunque, Jane Smiley, Cormac McCarthy, Leo Furey and Charles Frazier. I started reading Mr. Frazier's Thirteen Moons last week... I wish I could find the proper words to make you understand how beautiful his characters and their valleys are. I really shouldn't try. Please go pick up a copy from your local library.
I think half my problem is that I am extremely wordy but I've curtailed my ability in order to be clear and straightforward. And my writing is flavorless for it. This is why I love reading so much: I hope that what I read will inspire me to find my voice. Let my voice fully express itself without fear of being judged as trite and without purpose.
I am my own worst critic. But I am also my own best counselor. Good work, no, Great work is worth working hard for. So yes indeed the pen is mightier than the sword.
No. Not simple but basic. Basic sentences. Not good writing. More like talking and seeing my verbal phrasing appear on the page.
I'd like to think that my writing skills are above level. But the more that I read exceptional writing, writing that is vivid and sensuous and translating the soul...what I'm trying to say is that I want to work for the ability to write well.
A strong voice and picturesque prose? Edgardo Vega Yunque, Jane Smiley, Cormac McCarthy, Leo Furey and Charles Frazier. I started reading Mr. Frazier's Thirteen Moons last week... I wish I could find the proper words to make you understand how beautiful his characters and their valleys are. I really shouldn't try. Please go pick up a copy from your local library.
I think half my problem is that I am extremely wordy but I've curtailed my ability in order to be clear and straightforward. And my writing is flavorless for it. This is why I love reading so much: I hope that what I read will inspire me to find my voice. Let my voice fully express itself without fear of being judged as trite and without purpose.
I am my own worst critic. But I am also my own best counselor. Good work, no, Great work is worth working hard for. So yes indeed the pen is mightier than the sword.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Dogs and Were-Rabbits
I love dogs. But yesterday as I was walking home from my local polling place, a small black and white dog jumped out at me from a corner, teeth bared. I tried to extend my hand to let him know that I was friendly but he continued to bark and growl at me. I called him a mean little dog.
(I know it isn't my best insult but given the circumstances there really was no other way to put it).
This mean little dog barked and growled and walked in the grass alongside me to make sure I got away from his territory. This dog didn't have a collar and it came from near a large garage so I'm not sure it was his property he was protecting.
My faith in dogs was uplifted today but a viewing of Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit. I know it won an Oscar for best animated film. But I never sat and saw it all the way through until tonight. I laughed outloud at much of the movie. Especially at Gromit because he is CLEARLY the brains of the whole operation.
My favorite scene was when Gromit was sitting in the car waiting for Were-Rabbit to transform. Without looking away from the creature, he reached over with a single finger and pushed the lock on the car door down. When another dog on the outside of the car was begging for him to let him in, Gromit just looked at him and shook his head as if to say, "Hell no". Hilarious!
I miss having a dog/puppy around. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving when I can play an endless game of fetch with my friend's dog Lucy, the indomitable Jack Russell Terrier of Southern California. Woof!
(I know it isn't my best insult but given the circumstances there really was no other way to put it).
This mean little dog barked and growled and walked in the grass alongside me to make sure I got away from his territory. This dog didn't have a collar and it came from near a large garage so I'm not sure it was his property he was protecting.
My faith in dogs was uplifted today but a viewing of Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit. I know it won an Oscar for best animated film. But I never sat and saw it all the way through until tonight. I laughed outloud at much of the movie. Especially at Gromit because he is CLEARLY the brains of the whole operation.
My favorite scene was when Gromit was sitting in the car waiting for Were-Rabbit to transform. Without looking away from the creature, he reached over with a single finger and pushed the lock on the car door down. When another dog on the outside of the car was begging for him to let him in, Gromit just looked at him and shook his head as if to say, "Hell no". Hilarious!
I miss having a dog/puppy around. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving when I can play an endless game of fetch with my friend's dog Lucy, the indomitable Jack Russell Terrier of Southern California. Woof!
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Hmmm.....
Alas, Halloween has come and gone. My costume is in the bottom of my closet already. I'm wondering how much more candy I can eat before I literally explode! But let the holiday season continue because now I am closer to eating a wonderful home cooked meal and buying presents for my dear loved ones.
This week has flown by much faster than I had expected. I spent my last week working at this wonderful company. I was running around and had so much to do before 5. I kinda feel like if I can get through Thursday evening, I will be ok!
I have a powerpoint presentation that I need to work on. But nothing is getting done until I am more awake and I eat something. Hunger does not a happy person make me. (Grammatically incorrect but the sentiment is right).
This week has flown by much faster than I had expected. I spent my last week working at this wonderful company. I was running around and had so much to do before 5. I kinda feel like if I can get through Thursday evening, I will be ok!
I have a powerpoint presentation that I need to work on. But nothing is getting done until I am more awake and I eat something. Hunger does not a happy person make me. (Grammatically incorrect but the sentiment is right).
Friday, October 19, 2007
Celebrating the Holidays (Halloween Costumes Everyone!!! - 11 days and counting!)
I was raised a JW (hint: the people who knock on your door at 8am on a Saturday, attempting to bring the occupier the 'word of God'). So all pagan holidays were off-limits. No christmas, no halloween, and especially NO birthdays!I understand exactly why my parents' religion looked down upon these holidays, but for a young girl growing up in a state that is beautiful during the Autumn season, not dressing up as Rainbow Brite sucked royally!
(I don't think my parents realized that after the age of 10, me and my siblings would sneak out and go trick-or-treating for at least an hour every Halloween).
Fast-forward to my college days and I was finally free to practice and believe whatever the hell I wanted (owing to the fact that I lived on the other side of the country, the west coast).
And how did I celebrate my liberation? By planning my Halloween costume six months in advance!!!!
When fall rolls around every year, I get giddy. I start singing Christmas songs and questioning my friends about their choice for Halloween costumes and candy and festive lights and streamers....... ok, calm down, honey. No wonder my friends all start lamenting, "Oh God, now Justina can sing all the Christmas Carols she wants!"
Its just that I'm so happy to be a pagan like everyone else in America right now! (Well, for one day out the year!)
So, I finally figured out what my costume is going to be. The great thing is that I had it in my closet for the last three years!
Ready????
I'm going to be the Karate Kid
Ok, strike that. The Taekwondo Kid because that is what my uniform is for. I just need a rising sun bandanna like Daniel-san (Ha ha, Mr. Miyagi!) and I hope I can get a different colored belt (red, maybe, so I look more professional).
I was originally out looking for a witch's hat, when it dawned upon me that, shit, I was a witch for like three years in a row. Enough. Time to cut the cord. I thought about being Athena until I realized that there was a good chance of someone showing up at the party wearing the same costume.
I think I'm just happy that I'll be wearing pants (even though they are white) and be barefoot all night and I didn't have to slut it up like more girls my age!
So, the big question becomes, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING FOR HALLOWEEN????
No pressure, you have 11 days and counting.....
(I don't think my parents realized that after the age of 10, me and my siblings would sneak out and go trick-or-treating for at least an hour every Halloween).
Fast-forward to my college days and I was finally free to practice and believe whatever the hell I wanted (owing to the fact that I lived on the other side of the country, the west coast).
And how did I celebrate my liberation? By planning my Halloween costume six months in advance!!!!
When fall rolls around every year, I get giddy. I start singing Christmas songs and questioning my friends about their choice for Halloween costumes and candy and festive lights and streamers....... ok, calm down, honey. No wonder my friends all start lamenting, "Oh God, now Justina can sing all the Christmas Carols she wants!"
Its just that I'm so happy to be a pagan like everyone else in America right now! (Well, for one day out the year!)
So, I finally figured out what my costume is going to be. The great thing is that I had it in my closet for the last three years!
Ready????
I'm going to be the Karate Kid
Ok, strike that. The Taekwondo Kid because that is what my uniform is for. I just need a rising sun bandanna like Daniel-san (Ha ha, Mr. Miyagi!) and I hope I can get a different colored belt (red, maybe, so I look more professional).
I was originally out looking for a witch's hat, when it dawned upon me that, shit, I was a witch for like three years in a row. Enough. Time to cut the cord. I thought about being Athena until I realized that there was a good chance of someone showing up at the party wearing the same costume.
I think I'm just happy that I'll be wearing pants (even though they are white) and be barefoot all night and I didn't have to slut it up like more girls my age!
So, the big question becomes, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING FOR HALLOWEEN????
No pressure, you have 11 days and counting.....
A Day (ok, two weeks) of Rest
I've been off from work for two weeks. I spent the first week stressing out because I felt guilty for not working. My brain is wired to be always on the go, so not going to work was physically and emotionally painful. To top it off, I was studying for a couple of midterms and deriding myself for not being adept at drawing graphs. I my stomach churned all week. I was making myself sick for no good reason.
But now, as I sit in bed reading, at the end of what seems like to me a very short two weeks.
Now, I feel extremely grateful that I took this time to deal with the emotions that left me anxiety-ridden and in pools of tears. I needed to release what was engorged in my lungs for so long.
These two weeks also made me realize that I really need to change jobs/careers. This is why I'm so focused on taking night classes and applying graduate school. I want to work so that I can open doors for myself. If I stay with the career path that I am in now, I'm for certain going nowhere fast. Plus, I don't want to be bitter about living in San Francisco anymore. Been there, exhausted that.
The rain that has patched our foggy skies has been a unexpected comfort. Maybe I am like Shirley Manson in that I'm only happy when it rains. But the trickles of precipitation clean the sidewalk surface and give me a reason to smile at my own reflection in passing puddles.
I will return to work on Monday well rested and excited that i will have a break from work midweek. I'm taking Wednesday off so that I can attend a graduate school fair at a local university.
I will greatly miss not waking up until 10 a.m. and having every excuse in the world to sleep more or go to check out Halloween costumes.
Life, at this particular moment, is comforting. Thanks to the rain.
But now, as I sit in bed reading, at the end of what seems like to me a very short two weeks.
Now, I feel extremely grateful that I took this time to deal with the emotions that left me anxiety-ridden and in pools of tears. I needed to release what was engorged in my lungs for so long.
These two weeks also made me realize that I really need to change jobs/careers. This is why I'm so focused on taking night classes and applying graduate school. I want to work so that I can open doors for myself. If I stay with the career path that I am in now, I'm for certain going nowhere fast. Plus, I don't want to be bitter about living in San Francisco anymore. Been there, exhausted that.
The rain that has patched our foggy skies has been a unexpected comfort. Maybe I am like Shirley Manson in that I'm only happy when it rains. But the trickles of precipitation clean the sidewalk surface and give me a reason to smile at my own reflection in passing puddles.
I will return to work on Monday well rested and excited that i will have a break from work midweek. I'm taking Wednesday off so that I can attend a graduate school fair at a local university.
I will greatly miss not waking up until 10 a.m. and having every excuse in the world to sleep more or go to check out Halloween costumes.
Life, at this particular moment, is comforting. Thanks to the rain.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Baking can lead to new discoveries!
Did you know that when you combine two eggs, 1 cup of water and 1/2 cup of canola oil and then whisk them together, the mixture gets frothy and looks like whipped cream on top of a hot chocolate?
No, I haven't been smoking dope! Just baking pumpkin muffins from a box (courtesy of my friendly neighborhood Trader Joe's).
Strange directions, though, when I add the pumpkin mix to the froth. The instructions said I needed a rubber spatula to FOLD the ingredients together. Fold? Like dough? I was this close to throwing out the spatula and just folding it with my hands. Luckily my senses returned and I followed the directions.
I'll let you know how the muffins turn out.
No, I haven't been smoking dope! Just baking pumpkin muffins from a box (courtesy of my friendly neighborhood Trader Joe's).
Strange directions, though, when I add the pumpkin mix to the froth. The instructions said I needed a rubber spatula to FOLD the ingredients together. Fold? Like dough? I was this close to throwing out the spatula and just folding it with my hands. Luckily my senses returned and I followed the directions.
I'll let you know how the muffins turn out.
Friday, October 12, 2007
My own personal mastercard moment
1 pint of milk & two peaches: $3.65
A paperback copy of Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Love and Pray: $12.55
Realizing you paid $40,000 for a baccalaureate degree, then examining your recent paystub and discovering that you only made $15,000 this year: PRICELESS
For everything else, there's a a pint of Ben & Jerry's and many hours on a therapist's couch.
A paperback copy of Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Love and Pray: $12.55
Realizing you paid $40,000 for a baccalaureate degree, then examining your recent paystub and discovering that you only made $15,000 this year: PRICELESS
For everything else, there's a a pint of Ben & Jerry's and many hours on a therapist's couch.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Must publish more...funny stuff!
Oh no! Life has become my ultimate excuse. I made a promise to myself in August that I would write in my blog every other day... clearly that August promise was my belated new year's eve resolution...clearly broken but not without hope of being fixed!
So, here are some funny/cute things that I've seen this week (or week past):
1. Passed by the Burberry store on the way to meet a friend for lunch. Looked in and saw a toddler crawling all over the couch in this very expensive store. Made me laugh at the trivialness (is this even a word?) of expensive things.
2. Saw my local health food grocer/owner ordered his dog (or maybe someone else's dog) out of the store, the second it got beyond the kettle corn display. The dog proceeded to go bug the people crossing the street around the corner of the store.
3. Watched a hilarious episode of Real Time with Bill Maher. The guest for the night were Cornell West and Mos Def ( I'm paraphrasing a bit here: Mos Def on Osama Bin Laden, "If someone wants to fuck you up, they're gonna do it! They will be doing it to you! Ain't nobody gonna send you a tape talking about "I'm a fuck you up when I see you")
(Mos Def on media paranoia: I don't believe in labels used to scare people: black vs. white, jewish vs. muslim, autobot vs. decepticon, I DON'T BELIEVE IT!!! : ) .
That entire episode was some funny shit!
Watch it on Youtube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJRetQUTEWA (Hint: start at 7:25 minutes)
4. Me and my friend Ray Ray comparing our ability to 'suck in our chubs' while wearing high waisted pants. Even after the girdle was added! Sexy!
5. How many Halloween packages of Swedish Fish and Sour Patch Kids I can eat in a half hour period... gross!
Ok, that is my post for now. I'll get back to you when I've had some sleep!
So, here are some funny/cute things that I've seen this week (or week past):
1. Passed by the Burberry store on the way to meet a friend for lunch. Looked in and saw a toddler crawling all over the couch in this very expensive store. Made me laugh at the trivialness (is this even a word?) of expensive things.
2. Saw my local health food grocer/owner ordered his dog (or maybe someone else's dog) out of the store, the second it got beyond the kettle corn display. The dog proceeded to go bug the people crossing the street around the corner of the store.
3. Watched a hilarious episode of Real Time with Bill Maher. The guest for the night were Cornell West and Mos Def ( I'm paraphrasing a bit here: Mos Def on Osama Bin Laden, "If someone wants to fuck you up, they're gonna do it! They will be doing it to you! Ain't nobody gonna send you a tape talking about "I'm a fuck you up when I see you")
(Mos Def on media paranoia: I don't believe in labels used to scare people: black vs. white, jewish vs. muslim, autobot vs. decepticon, I DON'T BELIEVE IT!!! : ) .
That entire episode was some funny shit!
Watch it on Youtube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJRetQUTEWA (Hint: start at 7:25 minutes)
4. Me and my friend Ray Ray comparing our ability to 'suck in our chubs' while wearing high waisted pants. Even after the girdle was added! Sexy!
5. How many Halloween packages of Swedish Fish and Sour Patch Kids I can eat in a half hour period... gross!
Ok, that is my post for now. I'll get back to you when I've had some sleep!
Monday, September 10, 2007
Reality Television Killed the Video Star,,, & MTV!
This an open letter to the executives and producers and whoever else works at MTV
Dear MTV,
I don't have to tell you that Britney's performance last night at the VMA's was less than lackluster.
NO. Actually I DO have to tell you because apparently as you are all in charge and despite the fact that you run the show every year, you didn't have a enough gumption to stop a musical train wreck before it was set to stream to millions of viewers across this nation and the world.
(Sarah Silverman pun not included) .
Millions of viewers. That's something that has been missing for quite some time giving your ratings as of late. I sit back now and I am unable to think of ANY of my friends that even watches MTV anymore. And I'm only 24 years old.
Back in the day (Ok, high school really) I worshiped the box that MTV came out of. 120 minutes, Top 20 Countdown, MTV News (BIG SHOUTOUT to Kurt Loder and John Norris), and most especially the VMAs. Every year I made sure that whatever night the show aired, my schedule was cleared. (well what schedule a teenager can have).
Every year I looked forward to the announcement of that year's MC; and boy were they great: Eddie Murphy, Arsenio Hall, Roseanne, Dennis Miller and most especially Chris Rock.
The performances were usually better than those at the tired-ass Grammys. I expected pomp & circumstance but mainly, Musicianship and Performance. Those acts of yesteryear, when they came to the VMAs, they PERFORMED. The other major factor was that they had numerous awards, almost more than they had air time to give out. With real categories like, Best Alternative, Best Group, Best Hard Rock Performance, Best R & B, Video of the Year. The flow of the show was usually chill and people looked happy to be there.
No longer. A little bird told me something strange last night. Did you seriously give out a 'Triple Threat' award to Justin Timberlake last night??? Timberlake is talented but how is that even in a category suitable for a Music Awards Program? That category belongs at the MTV Movie Awards (which are the only consistent awards show this network has left).
The last time that I watched the VMAs in their entirety was 2001. And all I caught of the the 2007 VMAs was the first five minutes. It reinforced to me exactly what direction MTV has sadly gone in.
MTV, YOU HAVE GONE DOWN THE DRAIN. I say this with the tiniest hope that the network may one day recover some of its former glory. But I won't be holding my breath.
You let market research and even economics trump the manifesto that began this network 26 years ago: ALL MUSIC (VIDEOS), ALL THE TIME!
Anytime that I happened to flip to MTV in the past 10 years, I saw less and less videos. Fuck, MTV DOESN'T EVEN PLAY MUSIC VIDEOS ANYMORE!!!! All your programming is invested in reality television such as the Real World, Road Rules (please, please retire them!), Made, True Life, Pimp My Ride, Making the Band and the latest version of dumb blondes with too much time and cash on their hands, The Hills.
Now, recently I read an article in Esquire where they photographed who I think the the Head VP in charge of programming. (I will fact check this later). What I got out of his short interview was that the MTV's attitude was basically: Fuck it. You can't fight the tide. Look at how well these other networks are doing with reality t.v. We've jumped on the bandwagon but we'll make sure we do SOME public good campaigning, i.e. Choose or Lose (which they've been doing for every election since 1992, so it's not exactly new programing guys).
You've acquiesced and now its time recognize that you've sold your network soul to the tune of profit margins and what I like to call the ADD/ADHD Generation. You've decided to make everything like a Vegas Strip Hooker: underage, all flash, no substance.
People actually used to demand, "I want my MTV!". Now, you're lucky if you can get anyone with half a brain not to mutter, "MTV? Is that shit still on?".
Yes, the shit is still on and there's more of it. Best example: last night's VMAs. Terrible. Horrendous. Mismanaged. Short. A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME. At that was even after Alicia Keys performed.
How the hell did this network drop the ball with what was once one of the biggest, highest rated awards shows in television history, and for argument's sake, a channel that WAS a basic cable ratings giant? I'd like to point what I think are the usual suspects:
1. When the network started moving up the date of the VMAs from the first week in September to the last week in August (last night's performance not included in that).
2. When they moved the awards show from New York to other locations. Miami sucked. L.A. sucked. Las Vegas sucked ass. Take a hint!
3. Changing the filming and format of the show. The VMAs used to be filmed live, with an extensive red carpet pre-show that was a decent lead-up to the main-event. Now they've got an hour, hurried pre-show and a lackluster main show. They also cut down the show from a little over 3 hours to 2 hours.
4. Since they stopped playing videos, more specifically a VARIETY of videos, they've let a few artists (if you can call them that) and bands dominate the roster. As a result, less video nominations and less bands to perform and accept said nominations. Can we spell M-O-N-O-P-O-L-Y?
5. Back to Artists & Bands: Because MTV cared more about record sales and ringtones they haven't been investing ANY programming time towards musicians with substance (and I'm not talking about dime bags here!), musicians who CAN ACTUALLY PLAY THEIR DAMN INSTRUMENTS!!! There are no World Music videos, no real electronica/house/drum & bass/etc. videos, NOT EVEN DECENT POP VIDEOS!!!!
6. TRL. When it first started out that had a credible radio personality (Carson Daly) and they made sure to actually play the videos that fans called in to request. Now its shortened to a half hour, aired only a couple times a week and with almost no music but plenty of pseudo-celebrities hawking their latest designer handbags and shitty movies.
7. Reality television. How can the announcer keep a straight face (voice) when saying, "Welcome to the 20th season of Real World!". Twenty? The first Real World came on the air in 1991. Now, I'm no math whiz but 2007 - 1991 = 16. Why are you airing this show that frequently? Its not St. Elsewhere dammit!
Add to that the fact that MTV would rather create more shows with people cutting themselves to look like their favorite celebrities, offensive, no-talent comedians and brainless/deviant young twenty-somethings who should not be allowed to grace the television screen, let alone reproduce!
Knowing MTV, they'd probably give the demon spawn their own show! Also, enough with the cars! Rather than pimping someone's ride why not just buy them A BRAND NEW CAR. Oh, my bad. The network only reserves new cars for all of the SPOILED, SELF-CENTERED, EGOMANIACAL MINIATURE CEO-IN-WAITING BRATS on My Super Sweet Sixteen.
I have an idea for a new show MTV! Why don't you create a new show called 'Let's drop these super sweet sixteen years olds in low income housing in a minority dominated residential area and force them to live on $20 a week whilst working a part-time job and going to a underfunded public school where they fix the test scores by lowering the standards and kicking out low performing students, all so that its students have little of no chance of going to college but probably enough of a chance to end up working at a burger joint for 6.50 an hour for the next 5 years'. Or as I like to call it, The Real, Real World.
These reasons should suffice but I'm sure that if I opened up any random number of pop-culture blogs right now, there would be plenty more complaints!
Let me turn my attention back to the performance that started my whole critique of MTV. I'd like to take all of the VMAs producers to task for allowing Ms. Britney Spears to embarrass herself like that in front of a worldwide audience! I've never been a fan of Ms. Spears or her music. But even I can invoke empathy for someone who is clearly on a self-destructive path with no one telling her the whole truth and nothing but.
I thought she looked distracted or even dazed. She didn't dance, just walked around and let her backup dancers do all the work. She didn't even bother to half lip-sync. She's had better performances, even at earlier incarnations of the same awards show.
But none of the producers thought it wise to pull the plug on what they KNEW was going to be a bad performance. They probably kept her on just so that her public crucifying would bring in more ratings!
I saw the photos online of her out partying every night leading up to the awards show. The producers and for that matter, Britney and her handlers should have made sure she was REHEARSING NOT PARTYING!! I'm taking P. Diddy and all her other VMA cohorts to task on this as well! If you know the girl, if you even give a fuck about her as a human being, shouldn't you have acted like a gentleman and told her to lay off the booze? Most of these people are parents! What do you do when your kids decide to act up? You bar/restrict them from participating in the activities that they love best. For Diddy's kids it's taking away the Playstation. For Britney, its' the damn VMAs!!!
Some Dr.Phil-sounding advice: Don't be an enabler if you can avoid it!
MTV knows that she is going through a vicious custody battle right now. They're adding fuel to the fire by allowing her to do what she did last night. Unforgiveable.
To Ms. Spears, learn from this awful performance! You need to take an extended break. Take care of your yourself, your kids and forget about the music biz for awhile because it clearly is working against you. Stage another comeback when you are clearly sober and in your right mind.
MTV, the ball is in your court! You can improve your network and bring back in an older audience (above 19!) who are just as sick of VH1 as they are of you right now! Might I make a few suggestions?
1. Scrap the concept for next years VMAs. Toss it, run it over, whatever it takes!
2. Fire or demote whoever has been producing the shows since 2000 because they've been getting steadily worse since then.
3. Bring in a good comedian to host. Sarah Silverman has her moments but she's kinda like the comedic Ann Coulter. She doesn't really believe that shit, she just wants to get a rise out of you.
4. Change your programming to play at least some videos so that you can give out some decent sounding awards next year.
5. Retire pop-punk. Its the new rap/metal
6. For the next year, no more videos by Beyonce, Avril, Ashanti, Cassie, whoever-the-hell- dominates your female pop artist list. Enough is enough.
7. Cancel most of your shows. CANCEL THEM!!! NO ifs, ands or buts about it!
8. If you are going to have any shows, THEY MUST BE ABOUT MUSIC NOT ABOUT HAVING MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND FOR THE AUDIENCE TO HEAR OVER RUDE PHILOSOPHIZING from idiots whose parents should be ashamed to have children that dumb!!!!
9. Expand your News department! That is the one area that I recall as having some substance and trying to connect with your younger audience, to make them aware of what's going on in the world outside of their immediate attention spans. Kudos to Suchin Pak! Bring Tabitha Soren & Serena Altschul out of retirement and pay them a boatload of cash she deserves to do the reporting you know they can do! Is Kurt Loder still there? Pay him more. The same goes for John Norris, a real trooper in my opinion to have stayed with your retarded asses for this long!
10. Tell Viacom, the big media conglomerate that owns your sorry asses, to BACK OFF! Leave the shareholder nonsense to them. Worry about making MTV what it once was, classy, rollicking and informative, and what it can be again (should it make the choice to jump off the bandwagon and make MTV about the Music (videos) once again)!
Wishing you good luck in your future endeavors,
Me
Dear MTV,
I don't have to tell you that Britney's performance last night at the VMA's was less than lackluster.
NO. Actually I DO have to tell you because apparently as you are all in charge and despite the fact that you run the show every year, you didn't have a enough gumption to stop a musical train wreck before it was set to stream to millions of viewers across this nation and the world.
(Sarah Silverman pun not included) .
Millions of viewers. That's something that has been missing for quite some time giving your ratings as of late. I sit back now and I am unable to think of ANY of my friends that even watches MTV anymore. And I'm only 24 years old.
Back in the day (Ok, high school really) I worshiped the box that MTV came out of. 120 minutes, Top 20 Countdown, MTV News (BIG SHOUTOUT to Kurt Loder and John Norris), and most especially the VMAs. Every year I made sure that whatever night the show aired, my schedule was cleared. (well what schedule a teenager can have).
Every year I looked forward to the announcement of that year's MC; and boy were they great: Eddie Murphy, Arsenio Hall, Roseanne, Dennis Miller and most especially Chris Rock.
The performances were usually better than those at the tired-ass Grammys. I expected pomp & circumstance but mainly, Musicianship and Performance. Those acts of yesteryear, when they came to the VMAs, they PERFORMED. The other major factor was that they had numerous awards, almost more than they had air time to give out. With real categories like, Best Alternative, Best Group, Best Hard Rock Performance, Best R & B, Video of the Year. The flow of the show was usually chill and people looked happy to be there.
No longer. A little bird told me something strange last night. Did you seriously give out a 'Triple Threat' award to Justin Timberlake last night??? Timberlake is talented but how is that even in a category suitable for a Music Awards Program? That category belongs at the MTV Movie Awards (which are the only consistent awards show this network has left).
The last time that I watched the VMAs in their entirety was 2001. And all I caught of the the 2007 VMAs was the first five minutes. It reinforced to me exactly what direction MTV has sadly gone in.
MTV, YOU HAVE GONE DOWN THE DRAIN. I say this with the tiniest hope that the network may one day recover some of its former glory. But I won't be holding my breath.
You let market research and even economics trump the manifesto that began this network 26 years ago: ALL MUSIC (VIDEOS), ALL THE TIME!
Anytime that I happened to flip to MTV in the past 10 years, I saw less and less videos. Fuck, MTV DOESN'T EVEN PLAY MUSIC VIDEOS ANYMORE!!!! All your programming is invested in reality television such as the Real World, Road Rules (please, please retire them!), Made, True Life, Pimp My Ride, Making the Band and the latest version of dumb blondes with too much time and cash on their hands, The Hills.
Now, recently I read an article in Esquire where they photographed who I think the the Head VP in charge of programming. (I will fact check this later). What I got out of his short interview was that the MTV's attitude was basically: Fuck it. You can't fight the tide. Look at how well these other networks are doing with reality t.v. We've jumped on the bandwagon but we'll make sure we do SOME public good campaigning, i.e. Choose or Lose (which they've been doing for every election since 1992, so it's not exactly new programing guys).
You've acquiesced and now its time recognize that you've sold your network soul to the tune of profit margins and what I like to call the ADD/ADHD Generation. You've decided to make everything like a Vegas Strip Hooker: underage, all flash, no substance.
People actually used to demand, "I want my MTV!". Now, you're lucky if you can get anyone with half a brain not to mutter, "MTV? Is that shit still on?".
Yes, the shit is still on and there's more of it. Best example: last night's VMAs. Terrible. Horrendous. Mismanaged. Short. A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME. At that was even after Alicia Keys performed.
How the hell did this network drop the ball with what was once one of the biggest, highest rated awards shows in television history, and for argument's sake, a channel that WAS a basic cable ratings giant? I'd like to point what I think are the usual suspects:
1. When the network started moving up the date of the VMAs from the first week in September to the last week in August (last night's performance not included in that).
2. When they moved the awards show from New York to other locations. Miami sucked. L.A. sucked. Las Vegas sucked ass. Take a hint!
3. Changing the filming and format of the show. The VMAs used to be filmed live, with an extensive red carpet pre-show that was a decent lead-up to the main-event. Now they've got an hour, hurried pre-show and a lackluster main show. They also cut down the show from a little over 3 hours to 2 hours.
4. Since they stopped playing videos, more specifically a VARIETY of videos, they've let a few artists (if you can call them that) and bands dominate the roster. As a result, less video nominations and less bands to perform and accept said nominations. Can we spell M-O-N-O-P-O-L-Y?
5. Back to Artists & Bands: Because MTV cared more about record sales and ringtones they haven't been investing ANY programming time towards musicians with substance (and I'm not talking about dime bags here!), musicians who CAN ACTUALLY PLAY THEIR DAMN INSTRUMENTS!!! There are no World Music videos, no real electronica/house/drum & bass/etc. videos, NOT EVEN DECENT POP VIDEOS!!!!
6. TRL. When it first started out that had a credible radio personality (Carson Daly) and they made sure to actually play the videos that fans called in to request. Now its shortened to a half hour, aired only a couple times a week and with almost no music but plenty of pseudo-celebrities hawking their latest designer handbags and shitty movies.
7. Reality television. How can the announcer keep a straight face (voice) when saying, "Welcome to the 20th season of Real World!". Twenty? The first Real World came on the air in 1991. Now, I'm no math whiz but 2007 - 1991 = 16. Why are you airing this show that frequently? Its not St. Elsewhere dammit!
Add to that the fact that MTV would rather create more shows with people cutting themselves to look like their favorite celebrities, offensive, no-talent comedians and brainless/deviant young twenty-somethings who should not be allowed to grace the television screen, let alone reproduce!
Knowing MTV, they'd probably give the demon spawn their own show! Also, enough with the cars! Rather than pimping someone's ride why not just buy them A BRAND NEW CAR. Oh, my bad. The network only reserves new cars for all of the SPOILED, SELF-CENTERED, EGOMANIACAL MINIATURE CEO-IN-WAITING BRATS on My Super Sweet Sixteen.
I have an idea for a new show MTV! Why don't you create a new show called 'Let's drop these super sweet sixteen years olds in low income housing in a minority dominated residential area and force them to live on $20 a week whilst working a part-time job and going to a underfunded public school where they fix the test scores by lowering the standards and kicking out low performing students, all so that its students have little of no chance of going to college but probably enough of a chance to end up working at a burger joint for 6.50 an hour for the next 5 years'. Or as I like to call it, The Real, Real World.
These reasons should suffice but I'm sure that if I opened up any random number of pop-culture blogs right now, there would be plenty more complaints!
Let me turn my attention back to the performance that started my whole critique of MTV. I'd like to take all of the VMAs producers to task for allowing Ms. Britney Spears to embarrass herself like that in front of a worldwide audience! I've never been a fan of Ms. Spears or her music. But even I can invoke empathy for someone who is clearly on a self-destructive path with no one telling her the whole truth and nothing but.
I thought she looked distracted or even dazed. She didn't dance, just walked around and let her backup dancers do all the work. She didn't even bother to half lip-sync. She's had better performances, even at earlier incarnations of the same awards show.
But none of the producers thought it wise to pull the plug on what they KNEW was going to be a bad performance. They probably kept her on just so that her public crucifying would bring in more ratings!
I saw the photos online of her out partying every night leading up to the awards show. The producers and for that matter, Britney and her handlers should have made sure she was REHEARSING NOT PARTYING!! I'm taking P. Diddy and all her other VMA cohorts to task on this as well! If you know the girl, if you even give a fuck about her as a human being, shouldn't you have acted like a gentleman and told her to lay off the booze? Most of these people are parents! What do you do when your kids decide to act up? You bar/restrict them from participating in the activities that they love best. For Diddy's kids it's taking away the Playstation. For Britney, its' the damn VMAs!!!
Some Dr.Phil-sounding advice: Don't be an enabler if you can avoid it!
MTV knows that she is going through a vicious custody battle right now. They're adding fuel to the fire by allowing her to do what she did last night. Unforgiveable.
To Ms. Spears, learn from this awful performance! You need to take an extended break. Take care of your yourself, your kids and forget about the music biz for awhile because it clearly is working against you. Stage another comeback when you are clearly sober and in your right mind.
MTV, the ball is in your court! You can improve your network and bring back in an older audience (above 19!) who are just as sick of VH1 as they are of you right now! Might I make a few suggestions?
1. Scrap the concept for next years VMAs. Toss it, run it over, whatever it takes!
2. Fire or demote whoever has been producing the shows since 2000 because they've been getting steadily worse since then.
3. Bring in a good comedian to host. Sarah Silverman has her moments but she's kinda like the comedic Ann Coulter. She doesn't really believe that shit, she just wants to get a rise out of you.
4. Change your programming to play at least some videos so that you can give out some decent sounding awards next year.
5. Retire pop-punk. Its the new rap/metal
6. For the next year, no more videos by Beyonce, Avril, Ashanti, Cassie, whoever-the-hell- dominates your female pop artist list. Enough is enough.
7. Cancel most of your shows. CANCEL THEM!!! NO ifs, ands or buts about it!
8. If you are going to have any shows, THEY MUST BE ABOUT MUSIC NOT ABOUT HAVING MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND FOR THE AUDIENCE TO HEAR OVER RUDE PHILOSOPHIZING from idiots whose parents should be ashamed to have children that dumb!!!!
9. Expand your News department! That is the one area that I recall as having some substance and trying to connect with your younger audience, to make them aware of what's going on in the world outside of their immediate attention spans. Kudos to Suchin Pak! Bring Tabitha Soren & Serena Altschul out of retirement and pay them a boatload of cash she deserves to do the reporting you know they can do! Is Kurt Loder still there? Pay him more. The same goes for John Norris, a real trooper in my opinion to have stayed with your retarded asses for this long!
10. Tell Viacom, the big media conglomerate that owns your sorry asses, to BACK OFF! Leave the shareholder nonsense to them. Worry about making MTV what it once was, classy, rollicking and informative, and what it can be again (should it make the choice to jump off the bandwagon and make MTV about the Music (videos) once again)!
Wishing you good luck in your future endeavors,
Me
Monday, September 3, 2007
Enough Bullshit - Declaration of Independence
The title of this post says it all.
Actually. I don't think it says enough because I feel the need to fill in exactly why I'm saying enough bullshit. I am declaring myself independent from all that I consider false and a detriment to who I am.
For the past couple of years, I have tried (in vain) to adjust myself to the ideal that 'we all need to put on a face for the outside world'.
For me, being nice for the sake of appearances translates to being fake.
I've had enough. I cannot be fake. If I feel like being nice, fine. I don't consider myself a mean person in any respects. I am respectful of everyone I meet. But pretending and keeping up appearances is exhausting and time consuming and I just don't have time for that shit in my life.
As a person I can only do so much. I realized that, subconsciously, there has always been a limit to the amount of ass I'm willing to kiss. I had spent a unbelievable amount of energy and time assuaging others' feelings. I reached my limit this year and I am at the point of no return.
What I'm saying explicitly is that I am done trying to be someone that I'm not.
I'm not going to be fake, a bitch, a brown-noser. These attitudes go against my core values. They represent what I feel is significantly wrong with the direction that American society and our institutions are going in.
Bullshit is supposed to be the oil that keeps the train of society running.
If that is the case, let me off at the next stop.
Over the years I've met a number of people who believe that not being yourself/adjusting your moral compass, are how you get ahead in the world.
Fuck it. Forget about the next stop, I'm throwing myself off the train right now! in protest!
I have to say what I mean. I have to pursue the ideas and things that interest me without fear that it ruffles someone's feathers. I cannot abide by idleness, ignorance and most of all, cowering complicity.
My message to those who believe that being fake will make you're life easier: ENOUGH WITH THE BULLSHIT! Because that's what it is to me. I prefer the ability to look myself in the mirror and know that I was true to myself.
To that same audience: ENOUGH WITH THE PROPAGANDA AND THE MARKETING! Stop trying to sell me on shit that you know stands in direct conflict with how I engage with others, what I take at face value. Stop trying to convince me that this is how the world works because I don't agree. In my opinion, its the fucking root of the problem.
Mahatma Gandhi said, "You must be the change that you wish to see in the world".
I'm choosing to change myself. I choose to turn around and walk away from the dire road that I have the potential to head down if I continue listening to bullshit advice. If I try to be everything that I'm not.
One thing that I am not is fucking selfish. The whole 'Looking out for number one' attitude is exactly why millions of people (citizens and non-citizens) keep getting the shaft, fucked mercilessly by a economic system that favors those who want to keep most of this country's gains for a select few. And I say few, I mean FEW (to the tune of a couple thousand fucking almost 300 million people).
To all the naysayers: The fucking jig is up! So fucking stop it! Stop being a bunch of cunts and start giving a real fuck about somebody other than yourselves. Karma is a bitch but she's usually a prompt guest. Don't forget it!
Declare your independence! Stop the flow of bullshit!
Actually. I don't think it says enough because I feel the need to fill in exactly why I'm saying enough bullshit. I am declaring myself independent from all that I consider false and a detriment to who I am.
For the past couple of years, I have tried (in vain) to adjust myself to the ideal that 'we all need to put on a face for the outside world'.
For me, being nice for the sake of appearances translates to being fake.
I've had enough. I cannot be fake. If I feel like being nice, fine. I don't consider myself a mean person in any respects. I am respectful of everyone I meet. But pretending and keeping up appearances is exhausting and time consuming and I just don't have time for that shit in my life.
As a person I can only do so much. I realized that, subconsciously, there has always been a limit to the amount of ass I'm willing to kiss. I had spent a unbelievable amount of energy and time assuaging others' feelings. I reached my limit this year and I am at the point of no return.
What I'm saying explicitly is that I am done trying to be someone that I'm not.
I'm not going to be fake, a bitch, a brown-noser. These attitudes go against my core values. They represent what I feel is significantly wrong with the direction that American society and our institutions are going in.
Bullshit is supposed to be the oil that keeps the train of society running.
If that is the case, let me off at the next stop.
Over the years I've met a number of people who believe that not being yourself/adjusting your moral compass, are how you get ahead in the world.
Fuck it. Forget about the next stop, I'm throwing myself off the train right now! in protest!
I have to say what I mean. I have to pursue the ideas and things that interest me without fear that it ruffles someone's feathers. I cannot abide by idleness, ignorance and most of all, cowering complicity.
My message to those who believe that being fake will make you're life easier: ENOUGH WITH THE BULLSHIT! Because that's what it is to me. I prefer the ability to look myself in the mirror and know that I was true to myself.
To that same audience: ENOUGH WITH THE PROPAGANDA AND THE MARKETING! Stop trying to sell me on shit that you know stands in direct conflict with how I engage with others, what I take at face value. Stop trying to convince me that this is how the world works because I don't agree. In my opinion, its the fucking root of the problem.
Mahatma Gandhi said, "You must be the change that you wish to see in the world".
I'm choosing to change myself. I choose to turn around and walk away from the dire road that I have the potential to head down if I continue listening to bullshit advice. If I try to be everything that I'm not.
One thing that I am not is fucking selfish. The whole 'Looking out for number one' attitude is exactly why millions of people (citizens and non-citizens) keep getting the shaft, fucked mercilessly by a economic system that favors those who want to keep most of this country's gains for a select few. And I say few, I mean FEW (to the tune of a couple thousand fucking almost 300 million people).
To all the naysayers: The fucking jig is up! So fucking stop it! Stop being a bunch of cunts and start giving a real fuck about somebody other than yourselves. Karma is a bitch but she's usually a prompt guest. Don't forget it!
Declare your independence! Stop the flow of bullshit!
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Friday, August 24, 2007
Demise of a Dictator
I know I shouldn't pay attention to gossip but, if according to what Perez Hilton's website is now reporting, Fidel Castro has finally taken the celestial express!!!!!!
http://perezhilton.com/?p=4401
Normally, I don't think its right to speak ill of the dead... except for certain circumstances. News of Fidel's demise definitely qualifies as special circumstances! If there is any justice in heaven, right now Fidel is digging ditches in hell!
But to be nice, I will say that the one good thing he did was to give all Cuban nationals free health care. Not even the dictator to the north has granted that!
I can't even imagine the amount of partying, crying, laughing and hugging that will happen in Miami and in Cuban exile communities across the world in just a short while when the announcement is made. I hope everyone effected by Castro's horrendous policies and iron regime will Party like its 1999!
I sincerely hope that much good will come out of this. I sincerely hope this will motivate our current Bush administration legislators to change the insane law that only allows Cuban and Cuban-Americans to travel to visit relatives in Cuba..ONCE EVERY THREE YEARS! Shameful! I also hope that Cuba is NOT subjected to Castro part deux should his brother succeed him!
All in all I wish nothing but good for everyone!
http://perezhilton.com/?p=4401
Normally, I don't think its right to speak ill of the dead... except for certain circumstances. News of Fidel's demise definitely qualifies as special circumstances! If there is any justice in heaven, right now Fidel is digging ditches in hell!
But to be nice, I will say that the one good thing he did was to give all Cuban nationals free health care. Not even the dictator to the north has granted that!
I can't even imagine the amount of partying, crying, laughing and hugging that will happen in Miami and in Cuban exile communities across the world in just a short while when the announcement is made. I hope everyone effected by Castro's horrendous policies and iron regime will Party like its 1999!
I sincerely hope that much good will come out of this. I sincerely hope this will motivate our current Bush administration legislators to change the insane law that only allows Cuban and Cuban-Americans to travel to visit relatives in Cuba..ONCE EVERY THREE YEARS! Shameful! I also hope that Cuba is NOT subjected to Castro part deux should his brother succeed him!
All in all I wish nothing but good for everyone!
Blessing in Disguise (Diary Of A Bruised Body)
They say that incidents happen in threes. So on account of my gung-ho-ness at work I managed to give myself two almost concussions and a sore finger.
I'll explain. I was at work and the Fed-Ex came to drop off a bunch of boxes. I was helping shove something onto the floor. I wasn't aware how close I was to his dolly (I think that's how its spelled!) ...just like that I lifted my head up and SMACK! went my forehead on pure metal.
All I could utter was 'OW..ow..owie...ow'! The Fed-Ex was smirking/giggling. Who can blame him? If that was me watching instead of getting injured, I would have laughed too! I tried to laugh it off but the second he left the room, I was still groaning and feeling the new bump that was sure to make me look like a dunce if I didn't get the swelling down fast.
I proceeded to the kitchen to the first aid kit on the wall. Who happens to be there talking to someone whilst I struggled with the kit hooks? My supervisor. Who is really nice and ask if everything was fine. "Of course! Just a small injury". (It wasn't). My head was really smarting.
I put ice on it for 10 minutes. Duty calls and I went down to the loading dock to help a delivery guy with a large shipment of stuff.
Remember Groundhog's Day with Bill Murray? I didn't even feel deja vu when I accidentally got smacked in the side of the head with a box the delivery guy was lifting. All I felt was a dull sensation of pain. Pain and "Uh oh, I hurt...again". Tear.
No time to cry because getting anything up from the loading dock is a pain and takes time. So I just had to pretend to shake it off.
Except I was getting seriously concerned that I might have REALLY given myself a concussion! With no health insurance, I have no choice but to suffer (not in silence because I think later I realized I told like 10 people that my head hurts). Time is money. No money means no rent. No rent means no SF. No SF means....you get the picture.
This is when the third smackdown occurs (well, wrenching is more like it). I was helping the delivery guy to maneuver the crate into the elevator. He was pushing forward while I was trying to push book back from getting stuck in the elevator door. My ring got caught between the wood and the elevator and LITERALLY GOT RIPPED OFF MY FINGER.
I was in shock when I looked down. And the delivery guy kept saying I'm sorry. I was adult about it. No use crying over spilled ring. The saddest part about it was not my extremely sore (hopefully not sprained!) finger is that I bought that ring over two years ago and it is my favorite! I wear it everyday and only take it off around water.
But that ring incident turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Better my ring ripped apart than my finger! Because that is exactly would have happened if my ring hadn't been there! And that would be far worse because it would have hurt and bled like hell and put me out of work until it healed. So I wouldn't be able to work...period! That would be terrible because in order to survive in San Francisco and keep my apartment and pay my bills, I NEED TO HAVE A JOB AND EARN A LIVING!!!! My hands (all ten fingers included) ARE IMPORTANT!!!
Luckily, the ring was torn open in such a way that it will be easy to weld it back together. I'll try to get it fixed this weekend.
I ended up going home after work and icing my wounds to numbness.
To top it off, I got an email from a former friend that basically says that we should get over our differences and be buddies again. I almost considered it. Then I decided to look at some old emails the friend sent me that were quite nasty and vindictive. A smile came to my face because it hit me that again that most bad incidents are blessings in disguises. I don't always need a smack in the forehead to know when to take a hint!
I'll explain. I was at work and the Fed-Ex came to drop off a bunch of boxes. I was helping shove something onto the floor. I wasn't aware how close I was to his dolly (I think that's how its spelled!) ...just like that I lifted my head up and SMACK! went my forehead on pure metal.
All I could utter was 'OW..ow..owie...ow'! The Fed-Ex was smirking/giggling. Who can blame him? If that was me watching instead of getting injured, I would have laughed too! I tried to laugh it off but the second he left the room, I was still groaning and feeling the new bump that was sure to make me look like a dunce if I didn't get the swelling down fast.
I proceeded to the kitchen to the first aid kit on the wall. Who happens to be there talking to someone whilst I struggled with the kit hooks? My supervisor. Who is really nice and ask if everything was fine. "Of course! Just a small injury". (It wasn't). My head was really smarting.
I put ice on it for 10 minutes. Duty calls and I went down to the loading dock to help a delivery guy with a large shipment of stuff.
Remember Groundhog's Day with Bill Murray? I didn't even feel deja vu when I accidentally got smacked in the side of the head with a box the delivery guy was lifting. All I felt was a dull sensation of pain. Pain and "Uh oh, I hurt...again". Tear.
No time to cry because getting anything up from the loading dock is a pain and takes time. So I just had to pretend to shake it off.
Except I was getting seriously concerned that I might have REALLY given myself a concussion! With no health insurance, I have no choice but to suffer (not in silence because I think later I realized I told like 10 people that my head hurts). Time is money. No money means no rent. No rent means no SF. No SF means....you get the picture.
This is when the third smackdown occurs (well, wrenching is more like it). I was helping the delivery guy to maneuver the crate into the elevator. He was pushing forward while I was trying to push book back from getting stuck in the elevator door. My ring got caught between the wood and the elevator and LITERALLY GOT RIPPED OFF MY FINGER.
I was in shock when I looked down. And the delivery guy kept saying I'm sorry. I was adult about it. No use crying over spilled ring. The saddest part about it was not my extremely sore (hopefully not sprained!) finger is that I bought that ring over two years ago and it is my favorite! I wear it everyday and only take it off around water.
But that ring incident turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Better my ring ripped apart than my finger! Because that is exactly would have happened if my ring hadn't been there! And that would be far worse because it would have hurt and bled like hell and put me out of work until it healed. So I wouldn't be able to work...period! That would be terrible because in order to survive in San Francisco and keep my apartment and pay my bills, I NEED TO HAVE A JOB AND EARN A LIVING!!!! My hands (all ten fingers included) ARE IMPORTANT!!!
Luckily, the ring was torn open in such a way that it will be easy to weld it back together. I'll try to get it fixed this weekend.
I ended up going home after work and icing my wounds to numbness.
To top it off, I got an email from a former friend that basically says that we should get over our differences and be buddies again. I almost considered it. Then I decided to look at some old emails the friend sent me that were quite nasty and vindictive. A smile came to my face because it hit me that again that most bad incidents are blessings in disguises. I don't always need a smack in the forehead to know when to take a hint!
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Love is a funny thing...
Usually, at some point during the month I start reflecting back on my past relationships. It then occurs to me that I have had none. Do I consider myself lacking? fortunate? Most times I feel a combination of both.
My sole problem is trust. When you haven't had a healthy basic foundation for trust established when you were young, nor maintained when you were an adolescent, it leaves one in a bit of a limbo. I'm quite social but I don't maintain any romantic relationships because I have this underlying suspicion that whomever I date is ultimately going... to disappoint the living hell out of me.
High standards? You bet. I consider my heart too important to be trifled with. But in cutting myself off from taking the chance of being disappointed and getting hurt, I am in turn only hurting myself.
I guess what disappoints me the most is when I meet a guy that I would consider dating seriously. And usually, as though fates love to joke at a humans' expense, THE GUY HAS ABSOLUTELY NO INTEREST IN ME.
It is always crushing. But I find I'm getting used to not getting what I want. I'm starting to realize that everything takes practice and that slowly but surely I am taking the baby steps needed to let true love into my life. And the only way to do that is to love yourself!
Loving yourself to me means: forgiving myself for not being superwoman, being vulnerable sometimes (even when you feel like its cracking your hardened exterior put out to the world everyday). Acknowledging that you are beautiful, sexy and have a wonderful mind. That you are kinder then you give yourself credit for. That you are dependable even though you are late more times than you can count. That it is okay to make mistakes because there is always a lesson to be learned from them; its called LIVING. And last, but not least, that you deserve happiness and whatever good things that come your way!
I'm on a slow journey to loving myself completely. But I'm making progress and that is a great thing. Anything worth wanting is worth working for. Loving myself is definitely worth it for me!
My sole problem is trust. When you haven't had a healthy basic foundation for trust established when you were young, nor maintained when you were an adolescent, it leaves one in a bit of a limbo. I'm quite social but I don't maintain any romantic relationships because I have this underlying suspicion that whomever I date is ultimately going... to disappoint the living hell out of me.
High standards? You bet. I consider my heart too important to be trifled with. But in cutting myself off from taking the chance of being disappointed and getting hurt, I am in turn only hurting myself.
I guess what disappoints me the most is when I meet a guy that I would consider dating seriously. And usually, as though fates love to joke at a humans' expense, THE GUY HAS ABSOLUTELY NO INTEREST IN ME.
It is always crushing. But I find I'm getting used to not getting what I want. I'm starting to realize that everything takes practice and that slowly but surely I am taking the baby steps needed to let true love into my life. And the only way to do that is to love yourself!
Loving yourself to me means: forgiving myself for not being superwoman, being vulnerable sometimes (even when you feel like its cracking your hardened exterior put out to the world everyday). Acknowledging that you are beautiful, sexy and have a wonderful mind. That you are kinder then you give yourself credit for. That you are dependable even though you are late more times than you can count. That it is okay to make mistakes because there is always a lesson to be learned from them; its called LIVING. And last, but not least, that you deserve happiness and whatever good things that come your way!
I'm on a slow journey to loving myself completely. But I'm making progress and that is a great thing. Anything worth wanting is worth working for. Loving myself is definitely worth it for me!
Sunday, July 29, 2007
OMG! The future is upon us....
So, I realized today that I haven't updated my blog in over a month. I was so keen to start writing about my life in San Francisco and all the things that I see and experience every day. I had gathered all these articles because I wanted to write how I felt about how I felt about the whole debate on immigration (and how hypocritical I think many who oppose immigration are).
I think what happened is that I overextended myself in other areas of my life and as a result I lost focus on what I have to say. I was too busy worrying (stressing more like) over a temp-to-hire job (which I didn't get :), paying rent and just life in general.
So my focus slipped and now I've finally remembered what I wanted to say.
The future. It is a funny thing indeed. We are given no hint of what to come; even thought out predictions can fail to actualize. What I've failed to accept (even today I am struggling with it...) is that we have no real control of the future; there are too many outside forces that overwhelm the abilities of a single individual.
The only card we as individuals have to play is free choice. We have a choice in the decisions we make for ourselves. Nothing else. No matter how painful or scary it may seem we have to go forward with whatever decisions we choose to make. Whether it works out in our favor or not. Shit happens to everyone.
The thing I value the most out of any decision I've made it is that there is always a lesson to be learned from it. In retrospect, I can always say that everything happens for a reason; even when I don't understand it at the time. I grow from my lessons.
Enough ruminating from me for today. I've got a nasty cold and need to get some sleep before tomorrow!
I think what happened is that I overextended myself in other areas of my life and as a result I lost focus on what I have to say. I was too busy worrying (stressing more like) over a temp-to-hire job (which I didn't get :), paying rent and just life in general.
So my focus slipped and now I've finally remembered what I wanted to say.
The future. It is a funny thing indeed. We are given no hint of what to come; even thought out predictions can fail to actualize. What I've failed to accept (even today I am struggling with it...) is that we have no real control of the future; there are too many outside forces that overwhelm the abilities of a single individual.
The only card we as individuals have to play is free choice. We have a choice in the decisions we make for ourselves. Nothing else. No matter how painful or scary it may seem we have to go forward with whatever decisions we choose to make. Whether it works out in our favor or not. Shit happens to everyone.
The thing I value the most out of any decision I've made it is that there is always a lesson to be learned from it. In retrospect, I can always say that everything happens for a reason; even when I don't understand it at the time. I grow from my lessons.
Enough ruminating from me for today. I've got a nasty cold and need to get some sleep before tomorrow!
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Nosy People
Normally, I'm an even tempered person. I don't really get upset without reason (I'm sure somewhere, I have friends going "Right....."). My reaction to this incident may have been the result of her rudeness, my sensitivity. Or it could have been..... because I was STARVING. And we all know, that hunger makes you cranky!
So, I was standing at the bus stop today, minding my own business, waiting to go home. I started unwrapping this leftover portion of a falafel from lunch on monday. I was starving! But in the process of revealing my golden nugget, this older woman standing next to me, turns to me to say:
"Excuse Me. But do you know that there is no eating allowed on the bus?'
"Yeah. That's why I'm taking a bite now."
She turned away and almost immediately began a conversation with another lady next to her who was into knitting.
However, the entire time, only one thought(s) kept running through my head:
"Hey, fuck you lady! Do I look fucking retarded?! I take the bus every day! Don't you think I know that I'm not supposed to eat on there?! You see me every fucking M-F and do you see me eating on the bus??? NOOOOOOO!"
So step off Bitch!
I felt kinda bad for calling this older lady a bitch so late in the day. She seemed like a relatively decent, composed woman who was well dressed.
But that didn't give her any right to but in where her opinion wasn't wanted and wasn't solicited.
Besides, why did she care so much? It was only a freaking falafel!!!!
So, I was standing at the bus stop today, minding my own business, waiting to go home. I started unwrapping this leftover portion of a falafel from lunch on monday. I was starving! But in the process of revealing my golden nugget, this older woman standing next to me, turns to me to say:
"Excuse Me. But do you know that there is no eating allowed on the bus?'
"Yeah. That's why I'm taking a bite now."
She turned away and almost immediately began a conversation with another lady next to her who was into knitting.
However, the entire time, only one thought(s) kept running through my head:
"Hey, fuck you lady! Do I look fucking retarded?! I take the bus every day! Don't you think I know that I'm not supposed to eat on there?! You see me every fucking M-F and do you see me eating on the bus??? NOOOOOOO!"
So step off Bitch!
I felt kinda bad for calling this older lady a bitch so late in the day. She seemed like a relatively decent, composed woman who was well dressed.
But that didn't give her any right to but in where her opinion wasn't wanted and wasn't solicited.
Besides, why did she care so much? It was only a freaking falafel!!!!
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Save a Tree, Start a Blog (Just Kidding)
So this is my first blog posting.!Its weird because I can't believe I waited this long to do something that is really quite simple! I'd like to thank my good friend Kathryn for encouraging me to post my thoughts and ideas in an open place.
I guess the foremost thought on my mind is: what a difference a year can make. I'm in a completely different place than I was last year (litterally and figuratively). I think what I'm feeling is something akin to the realization of happiness. To what degree, varies from day to day. But it lingers and its growing stronger. I hope that it will propel me to try new things. I also want to...well, I want a lot of things. And things (good and bad) come to you in due time.
I have to go grocery shopping but I will be back to post something tomorrow. To anyone reading this, I hope you enjoy the rest of your Sunday!
I guess the foremost thought on my mind is: what a difference a year can make. I'm in a completely different place than I was last year (litterally and figuratively). I think what I'm feeling is something akin to the realization of happiness. To what degree, varies from day to day. But it lingers and its growing stronger. I hope that it will propel me to try new things. I also want to...well, I want a lot of things. And things (good and bad) come to you in due time.
I have to go grocery shopping but I will be back to post something tomorrow. To anyone reading this, I hope you enjoy the rest of your Sunday!
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